Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

Popping the pop quiz

The more questions I answer, the older I feel

January 29, 2017

I just scored really high in a quiz on social media. This, however, was not a proud moment. You got extra points for having life experience. Basically, I scored extra points for living this long.

For example, one question was, “Did you ever ride in a limousine?” Yes. Clearly, the test was designed by a young person; someone who didn’t get invited to the prom.

Side note: This one time I rented a limo to tour the California wine country with a group of friends. At one point, I was sitting in the limo talking to the driver and a few fellow passengers, while we were waiting for the others to return to the car. The driver had parked the car on the side of the road so we could take pictures of the view. I assumed I was drunk, because I thought we were moving. We were. The driver, whose head was turned to the back seat looking at us (the passengers without cameras), had accidentally taken his foot off the brake. We drifted backward. He backed into a sign that read, “Welcome to Napa Valley.” It was hard to feel safe in his limo after that. I stopped drinking for the rest of the trip. Later, he backed into a fence. I could have saved a few bucks driving my friends around Napa, because if I wrecked, at least it would have just been my crappy 1995 Saturn and not a long, white limousine.

But I digress, like I do. Here’s another question: “Did you ever lock your keys in your car?” Um … Yes. A few times. One time, I was in Virginia at a strip mall and I locked my keys in my car. Some dude I didn’t know ran into the dry cleaners, got a coat hanger and unlocked it. I know it was a long time ago, because it was the kind of car you could unlock with a coat hanger.

In December 2016, I locked my keys in my car again while it was running. It had just snowed on a random Saturday. I was going to the movies. I was almost done shoveling the driveway when I decided to warm my car up. I turned it on, revved it up and jumped out. I slammed the door shut. Then, I remembered the door locked automatically, and I only had one set of keys. There was only a fourth of a tank of gas in the car at the time. I kept wondering if I was going to run out of gas before the AAA guy showed up. It was a race against time, my own version of an action movie.

There were a few other questions on the quiz. Did you ever go skydiving? Yes (See my book, “Below Average Genius”). Did I ever skip school? Yes, but I felt really bad about it (Stay in school, kids!). Did I ever fall asleep at the movies? Yes. “Titanic” is a really, really long movie, you guys.

The more I got right, the older I felt. On the plus side, I did a lot of stuff in my life and lived to tell about it. I’m putting that in the win column.



blog comments powered by Disqus