Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

My funny valentine

My funny valentine

February 12, 2017

Happy Valentine’s Day! Technically, it’s Valentine Eve. Warning: If you call it Valentime’s or VD, I will smack you in the mouth. Hard. With a snow shovel.

I will not be celebrating this year. I am neither giving nor receiving. I am sans companion this year. Shakespeare would say I was unstruck by Cupid’s arrow. The politically correct term is Romantically Challenged. I’m not even sad about it. It’s saving me a small fortune. February is a terrible time to promise someone you will take them out to dinner. This year, it’s on a Tuesday. I don’t want to go out on a Tuesday. Personally, I’d ask for a raincheck and take you out on Thursday or Friday. I’m in a much better mood by then anyway.

But I’m not here for me. I’m here for you. I have some great Valentine’s Day gift ideas. I’m like a priest who doles out marriage advice. Skip the flowers and chocolate. Skip the fancy-schmancy restaurant (they’re all crowded anyway).

Skip the sexy lingerie, and give the object of your affection flannel pajamas. The weather in Western Pennsylvania is erratic. We’ve been pretty lucky this year, but it’s cold up here in these hills. Be sensible and buy something warm and snuggly. Let’s face it, unless you’re married to Sofia Vergara or Channing Tatum, it’s unlikely your partner looks good in sexy underthings. At least you can keep them warm and comfy instead.

Gentlemen, get your lady a basket of wine. Here’s an easy way to get the right one. Take an empty bottle out of her trash, take it to the store and say, “I need a dozen of these.” Replicate it exactly, down to the vintage year. If you buy merlot for a pinot grigio girl, there will be hell to pay. Brand names are important. If you buy a bottle of Barefoot when they drink Chateau Montelena, you will be sleeping in the wine cellar.

P.S. If you met your lady-love at an AA meeting, consider getting her a brand-new coffee maker. Think back, did you meet in a smoky church basement? It could have been AA or bingo. Get the coffee maker just in case.

Ladies, you don’t have to be clever and handcraft something. You don’t have to make an artsy decoupage box with hearts and flowers on it. You don’t even have to browse Etsy for something romantic. You can score a win on Valentine’s Day with a “I will not talk during sports and/or your favorite television show” card. All your man really wants is for you to shut your yap during his show. Never tell him about your aunt’s bursitis during the Super Bowl. Never say, “How can you watch that crap?” when someone’s eye gets gouged out on “The Walking Dead.” You will keep your man forever.

Side note: If the house is on fire, you are granted permission to speak.

Editor’s note: This author and/or newspaper is not liable for any unintended consequences. Please drink, flannel and shush responsibly.

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