Total eclipse of the heart

Total eclipse of the heart

You may have heard by now the solar eclipse is coming. Apparently, it’s a big deal. Everyone’s talking about it. People are also talking about the breakup of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris.

The three big stars in the news these days are Chris, Anna and the sun.

The coverage on this thing is fascinating. If you look too closely at it, you’ll hurt yourself.

Of course, I’m talking about the Pratt/Faris divorce. It seems people have “lost faith in love” because of their breakup. “They were the glue that held us all together!” People – I mean this in the gentlest of ways – GET A LIFE!

I met a lot of celebrities living in Hollywood. I’ve learned that they’re just people like everyone else. They’re just better looking and they have nicer stuff. There are only two things that separate us from them: flat tummies and fat wallets. I wish I had both, but at this point in my life, I’d settle for one or the other.

I’ve hung out with a lot of celebrities. After you meet a few idols and find out they’re schmucks, you get over being starstruck rather quickly. I like a bunch and I dislike a bunch. By the way, I don’t name names, because people get disappointed when they find out their favorite movie star is a doodie-head.

Pro tip: If you’re at a Hollywood party and you find yourself talking to a celebrity, stick to subjects like sports or travel and leisure (think of the orange slice of pie in a game of Trivial Pursuit). Never talk to them about a movie they’ve worked on unless they bring it up first. Two reasons: One, they think you’re fawning. Don’t do that. It’s gross. Two, imagine being at a party and someone asked you how to create a formula on an Excel spreadsheet. It’s the same. You’re basically talking to them about how they do their job. No one wants to talk about how they do their job.

But I digress, like I do.

The amount of people interested in each event is incredible.

Picture the Venn diagram and the intersection of the two categories: “People who care about science” and “People who care about celebrities.” I’m guessing the circles barely graze each other.

Yet, there is a plethora of stories devoted to each event from every major newspaper in the country.

I listen to NPR mostly, and I’ve heard about the eclipse more than the breakup. However, I still hear a lot about Star-Lord and the House Bunny. Now, that’s a sitcom I’d watch! It would be better than any episode of “Mom.” Watching wine turn to vinegar would be better than watching “Mom.”

By now, you’re probably wondering what do the eclipse and a celebrity divorce have in common?

Two heavenly bodies briefly pass between each other and then go their separate ways. It’s happened before, and it will happen again. You just have to be prepared.