Click.
Blah blah blah ROGER CLEMENS blah blah STEROIDS ...
Dial turning.
... yada yada yada ANDY PETTITTE yada yada HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE ...
Dial turning.
... harrumph harrumph BARRY BONDS harrumph PERJURY ...
Dial turning.
... bluster bluster CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS bluster WASTING TAXPAYERS' MONEY ...
Click.
Well, that answers my questions about what to expect for the coming season. About what actually might happen on the field, no one seems to care.
Why should they? The ongoing "performance-enhancing drugs" soap opera is practically as riveting as, well, a soap opera. It's ESPN meets C-SPAN meets Jerry Springer, and to the average couch potato, it grabs your attention a lot more than watching Jason Bay take a called third strike.
My question is, why all the hoopla now? Why didn't they go after the (alleged) "juicers" 20 years ago, when ballplayers starting sporting arms like gunboats. Or 30 years ago, when the average football player was taking the not-so-natural approach to looking like Mr. America.
When I say the average football player, I'm not talking strictly about the pros. Quite a few of my high-school classmates in the late '70s took steroids, and if I'd been anything but a gridiron bench warmer, I might have been tempted, myself.
In college, I knew football players who were as big as houses, and it was no secret as to how they got that way.
Some of those men are deceased. Whether taking steroids had anything to do with it, I can't say for certain. But it probably wasn't the best idea in the first place.
Stories like that should be told to dissuade youngsters from experimenting. Hearing a constant barrage of commentary about millionaire athletes just makes listeners want to turn off the radio or television.
As far as baseball goes, I'd like to know more about how off-season acquisitions have helped certain teams, which rookies are expected to make an immediate impact ... you know, the information baseball fans have wondered about each spring for the past century or so.
As for Clemens, Pettitte, Bonds and all the others of their ilk ... why should I care? If they want to risk long-term health problems, that's their business. If their "supplements" have helped them break records, I'll just pay attention to the guys who set the old standards.
And if anyone associated with steroids is going to have trouble getting into the Hall of Fame, I haven't been to Cooperstown in 25 years, anyway.
Well, it's almost time for the umpires to holler, Play ball! And I want to hear about what's going on between the foul lines.
Unless they start talking about the Pirates.
Online editor Harry Funk can be reached at hfunk@observer-reporter.com.