Before veterinarians and animal rights activists e-mail their outrage and outline a diet plan for our menagerie, allow me to write that our beasts are all in Olympian shape. They're medically sound, trim, fit and ready to taste anything that happens to "fall" to the floor.
One of the big changes that happened when we moved to the farm was that our new animals are not, in fact, pets.
I'll repeat that again, in case my wife is reading.
Our new animals are not pets.
That means you, hens.
She isn't the only one who likes to dabble in pet menu selection. I once fed small pieces of a complete Thanksgiving dinner - roast turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce - to a tropical fish. He or she (who can tell?) survived for a couple of months before exploding, entrails floating, in a completely unrelated incident.
I've already sworn to that fact in a court of law.
After months of feeding the chickens Agway Egg Layer 16% Protein Pellets with great results - an egg nearly every day from each of the five - we could no longer resist. It started with popcorn. We then moved on to grapes. Soon enough, each afternoon my wife was tossing some snack or another to the hens.
We read that chickens enjoy working their way through compost, scratching and slicing it up, looking for worms and bugs and corporate lawyers. They now spend sunny days walking around in their own rancid salad bar.
In the same magazine was a note from a reader about feeding hens meat scraps. It boosted protein intake and made them more energetic, the writer claimed.
He didn't say what kind of meat was used.
I'm hoping it wasn't chicken.
All this altering of the leghorn diet plan got me to thinking. Just before my head started smoking from the exertion, I realized something. Unlike the dogs, cats or even the horses, what we feed the chickens affects us directly.
We feed them; they eat, digest and lay eggs.
Essentially, what goes into the hens comes out (after some scratching around and cackling) in the form of an egg. If you feed your chickens popcorn, my theory goes, a small portion of corn DNA ends up in your frying pan. You are what you feed.
If my theory is correct, I've been ingesting worms, bugs and corporate lawyers.
Didn't kill me.
It doesn't bother me if you feed the cat a bean burrito.
It doesn't change my life if the horse guzzles Kool-Aid.
However, from now on, thanks to a new rule I've just posted on the chicken coop wall, there will be no feeding the chickens any food I do not want in my bloodstream.
Tomorrow, to test the theory, the hens get birthday cake.
Twice.
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3 to 7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.