On Friday at six o’ clock, I saw a man cutting the grass. He had on shorts, black socks, tennis shoes and no shirt. Yes. He was shirtless. Yard work is sweaty. I don’t want to think about your unprotected armpits out there in the world when you’re cutting grass. It’s gross.
Here’s my advice, if you look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, you may go shirtless on some occasions. If you look like Santa Claus, you should probably wear as many clothes as you can.
I would never say, “Don’t be overweight.” I’m saying, “Dress appropriately.”
Here’s the deal, everyone is allowed at the beach. I’m not discriminating against large people. I am one. I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite. Dr. William Sheldon would describe me as an Endomorph. I’m fat, but I still look like a human being from far away. I only go shirtless at the beach or at a swimming pool. It is okay to be shirtless there. It’s even expected. I don’t like to see heavy boys in wet tee shirts at the pool. That’s wrong, too. At the beach or pool, man up and be proud of your body. Besides, the wet tee shirts only make you look like you’re a naughty girl on Spring Break.
As far as the black socks go, only wear them when you have a tie on. I think that’s pretty clear. No matter how good looking you are; no one can pull off the shorts-with-black-socks thing. I understand you just got home from work and you want to cut the grass before nightfall, but if you have time to change your pants, you have time to change your socks. Besides, do you really want to get grass stains on your nice work socks?
That leads me to my other pet peeve about men in shorts. I hate seeing socks with sandals. It doesn’t even matter what color the socks are. That’s icky. No matter how attractive you are, it doesn’t look good. Especially, when you have flip flops on and I can see the sock scrunched up around that rubber divider that separates the big toe from the other lesser-known toes.
I have also noticed a lot of men seem to be color blind. Yet, most of these color-blind people seem to have wives or partners. Why does the spouse not stop them from wearing some of these kaleidoscopic catastrophes? Isn’t that in the marriage vows somewhere? Thou shalt not let your mate walk around in garish clown outfits. It should be. I saw a boy at a Memorial Day picnic who looked like the Skittles Rainbow puked on him. He had on green tennis shoes, bright red gabardine pants, a blue and white checkered button-down shirt and a black bandana around his forehead.
One last word of advice to my neighbor: If you want your yard to look nice, perhaps you should not be the eyesore in it.