• It hasn't happened yet - although that day is fast approaching - but we'll know for sure when the already painfully high cost of gasoline reaches the tipping point and American motorists do something drastic in response. Riot? No. Vote? Are you kidding? This is America, and the majority Americans don't vote because it's not cool to do so. Walk? Who, us? Not a chance.
• You'll know when the cost of gasoline has crossed the threshold from merely outrageous to obscene when American males in their mid to late 60s start riding mopeds to town - either to work, if they still have a job, or to McDonald's for coffee with all of their retired buddies.
• Here's a test: With your crossword puzzle pen or pencil, draw a motorcycle helmet on the picture that accompanies this column, and if one of those Vespa riders resembles me, you'll know for damn sure the price of gasoline has outstripped my need to appear somewhat dignified in public.
• How can you spot an unhappy motor scooter rider? His wife is riding behind him and is telling him he's going too fast. On a motor scooter?
• You can bet your bippy that us old guys will be wearing helmets. We didn't get to be this old by doing dumb things such as riding on a motorcycle without a helmet. And knee pads. Elbow pads. Leathers. And Depends.
• I'm not Jewish, but if I were, I'd organize a group of old-guy riders. Everyone would wear matching cardigan sweaters (with leather elbow patches) and sensible shoes. We'd all ride Mogen-Davidsons. Kosher, huh? I mean, cool.
• To tell the truth, if it wasn't for the safety issue of riding bareheaded, we old guys probably wouldn't mind riding with the breeze whipping through our hair. No, not the hair on our heads; we're almost bald. I mean the wind whipping through the hair in our ears.
• No way I'm gonna ride a bicycle to the office, either. First off, this is a daily newspaper, not a weekly. Second, the seat on a modern skinny-wheel bicycle is not anatomically correct for a wide load such as I carry. And I live five miles from town. It's uphill all the way. Both ways.
• You know gasoline already costs too much because I heard inner-city gangs are carpooling to do their drive-by shootings - at each other.
• If "The Sopranos" was still on TV, they'd be taking wise guys they want to get rid of for one-way rides on Greyhound buses.
• Wanna know who's laughing at the high cost of fuel? The Amish.
• What goes clip, clop, clip, bang! Clip, clop, clip, clip? An Amish ride-by shooting.
Contact Byron Smialek at bsmialek@observer-reporter.com.