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6/4/2009 3:34 AM

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My mother raised five children, and only one of us did any time in jail - that's a pretty good average.

Once, after we were grown and mostly out of the house, someone passed along a copy of Dr. Spock's baby book, a parents' guide popular in the 1960s and still respected in some circles today. Mom started laughing somewhere around page three and continued to giggle throughout the first couple of chapters until she finally gave up, eyes tearing.

I never saw her laugh so hard. The good doctor's guide, a bestseller and answer book for thousands of America's first-time parents, was seen as comedy by my mother.

I was reminded of that episode this week when in my travels to the yuppie chain bookstore and geek dating hotspot I came across a "guide to raising horses." As I was leafing through the pages, I read a paragraph that nearly made me spit out my Soy Latte Espresso Mocha Mint Swirly Julip Grande Pupununu.

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"Horse pastures should be cleaned of manure once a week to prevent the spread of parasites. Keeping your pastures droppings-free is the first and most important rule of horse ownership."

Really? Here I was thinking the first and most important rule was to avoid getting stepped on.

Then again, maybe I'm confusing that rule with one I read in Dr. Spock's book - "Rule One: Avoid stepping on the baby."

If you take a gander at our horse pastures, you'll notice that somewhere along the way we've managed to skip rule No. 1 altogether. You'll see a lot of No. 2, thus voiding rule No. 1.

Thanks to a quarterly wormer, we've got no parasites.

Neither do the horses.

After I was asked to leave the yuppie chain bookstore and geek dating hotspot (excessive public giggling), I gave the guide's first rule of raising horses some deeper thought and have a few questions.

Do people really fall for this crap?

Do people really clean up their horses' craps?

Most importantly, when will The Meadows get craps?

There are companies (that's plural, meaning more than one) that specialize in coming to your suburban postage stamp-yarded Mt. Lebanon tax anchor chateau to pick your grass of poodle poo. While it sounds like court-ordered work release, it is, in fact, a dog-oriented business model practiced by more than one money-hungry manure entrepreneur.

Pay-per-poo.

If lazy South Hills residents are paranoid enough about dog droppings to keep not one, but two of these types of businesses alive (they're both listed in the Yellow Pages - check it out) what do you think the chances are for a young, up-and-coming go-getter out here in horse country who has a shovel, some boots and an imagination?

I'll never know, 'cause it won't be me.

However, I'll leave this new business idea, free for the taking, for you recent graduates.

The job market is tough.

Take it and run.

Watch where you step.

And Mom? I'm sorry I ruined your average.

To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3 to 7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.

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2 comments

Pay-per-poo : 6/4/2009
Great stuff Scott! Thanks for pointing out the obvious craziness and laziness that put these people in business. I laugh everytime I think of it! And your piece cracked me up! Thanks again.

Pick up my own poo

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Then I Must Really Define Crazy... : 6/4/2009
Because I scoop poop in my horses' pasture twice a day! I have two horses and they average 10-12 piles each per day. Times that by 30 days in a month and that's over 600 piles of poop. Not something I want to see in the pasture so I scoop. Only takes a few minutes, is good exercise and keeps the pastures pristine.

Poop Scooper

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