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Ultimate in tomato protection
An old man stood in front of the camera, crying. He was knee-deep in what used to be his "magnificent" tomato patch. All that was left were some broken and bent plants, a lot of 12-year-old boys' footprints and a perceptible lack of tomatoes. As the camera moved in for a close-up, the withered gardener shed a tear and asked of the reporter, "Why? Why would they do such a thing? Why?"
Pathetic.
Sorry, bud. This year's crop is gone. They're smashed. Trying to reason the motives of a pack of preteen boys is pointless. It's over. Dry your eyes, High Pants, and plan for next year.
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Many summers have passed since I was 12 and sneaking around backyard gardens, harvesting ammunition for the Great Northern Panhandle Tomato Wars. I do remember enough to offer some advice for this whiner and others of his ilk, though.
What you need, my friend, is a granddaughter.
More specifically, what you need is a 14-year-old, good-looking granddaughter to come and visit for about two weeks or so next July. Position her in the tomato patch, wearing a smile. In approximately three to four minutes, a pack of wild, roaming, formerly tomato-tossing 12- and 13-year-old boys will arrive on the scene.
Flirting will begin.
Troubles will end.
In fact, if your 14-year-old guard dog of a granddaughter is the same make, style and model (with all the popular options) I recall from my tomato-throwing years, you might just end up with young boys weeding your garden rather than destroying it.
Those 14-year-old guard dogs can be persuasive.
If you don't currently have a cute and, therefore, effective teenage granddaughter, give the local equipment rental place a call. They've been through this before.
"A-1 Rental. Bill speaking. We're having a special on tillers. How can I help you? ... Uh-huh. Tomatoes, huh? Hang on. Eddie! We got any granddaughters back there? ... Sir? I've got one that's supposed to be returned tomorrow. She's 12 dollars a day, plus unlimited text."
One added note: if you have a 14-year-old granddaughter who is not, shall we say, attractive (be honest), do not fool yourself into thinking she will be a formidable substitute. It won't work. You'll wake up to smashed tomatoes and a crying girl in the morning. "Nobody wants to help me weed the garden! I hate everything! Someone call the news!"
In the meantime, a plea to that sad object of the news cameras: Come on, old guy. You fought in Korea, for God's sake.
Buck up.
Find yourself a granddaughter.
Fight the good fight.
And don't drive that Buick around after dark tonight. If there's anything that shouts, "I'm a worthy target," it's squealing to the news.
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3 to 7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
