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How to pay nothing for cable
With it, Millie watched "Walker, Texas Ranger," "Matlock," or "Wheel of Fortune" to her heart's delight. Once a month the cable company sent us a bill made out in my wife's name. We paid it; she watched; everyone was happy.
Millie passed away several years ago. Naturally, not a day goes by when we don't think about her green thumb, great ear for the piano or sharp-edged tongue (let's be honest - that was a part of her, too).
The other memory of Millie that never goes away is her cable bill.
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We pay them exactly what they ask for.
Whenever we're particularly bored, we'll call to inform the company of their apparent error. They always thank us, promise to rectify the obvious clerical/computer error and apologize for any inconvenience.
The first call to the cable company was made shortly after her death and seemed to remedy the problem. We received no bill the following month.
Then, like Halley's Comet, they returned.
Their arrival is now no longer regimented, but sporadic. Three or four months will pass before a new bill is delivered, asking once again for zero dollars and zero cents.
The next month we'll receive another; the next month, one more. We then won't hear from the company for an entire summer. But in October - pow! - another bill asking for nothing owed.
During the first few years of this odd dance we were conscientious consumers, hell-bent on correcting this obvious mistake. Calls were made. Letters were sent. E-mail explanations were spouted.
Soon, after realizing that no one would ever expect any kind of payment from us and more importantly that the problem would never, ever be corrected, we began to play a small game of chance.
It's called "Guess When the Cable Bill Will Come."
I've chosen September. With her woman's intuition strongly in play, my wife has picked February, her mother's birth month.
The top prognosticator will be taken to dinner. The loser, predicting the future as succinctly as a coin-flipping day trader, must pay for the meal and dial what has now become a familiar number.
"Cable company? This is Scott Paulsen. I believe you know the address. Is this Gwendolyn? Yes, I recognize your voice, too. I'm calling again about my mother-in-law's bill, the one for no dollars and no cents."
I then explain what has been explained many times before.
"No, actually, I don't want you to stop," I add. "I'd just like to ask if you will send the next one in September. A dinner depends on it."
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3-7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
