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Do I look fat in this apron?
Please hold your applause until the end.
My professional life has devolved into writing columns for two different newspapers, being a featured contributor to a popular cooking magazine and hosting a daily four-hour sports talk show for ESPN radio.
Truth be told, I would rather be stacking hay.
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After living in the country for just over six seasons, I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that there is no way, financially, to make a good living off the land. As much as I'd like to spend my remaining days riding a tractor, the fact is it doesn't pay as much as spouting opinions. That's probably the saddest statement I've made in some time.
And so, with no big paycheck on the horizon of newborn farmer Paulsen, I continue, after 32 years, to toil in the fields of the pathetic, self-absorbed media.
The good news? Free stuff.
A reader from Pittsburgh, having gotten a kick from a recent piece I wrote about canning tomatoes, sent me a gift last week. I opened the box and found an apron inside.
An apron.
She was nice enough to mail me what I take to be a collectible Ball Mason apron. I gathered from her nicely worded letter that the bib was once offered as a mail-in premium from the Mason jar manufacturer back in the day. After learning of my adventures in canning, she sent it along as a thank you for the years of laughter.
Laughter? You have no idea. Everyone who has heard the tale of the apron and who has known me for any period of time has howled when hearing this story. You see? This is not the first gift I've received from someone appreciative of my work.
Years ago, when I was a rock 'n' roll deejay in the big city, had more hair and slept many fewer hours, listeners also sent gifts. Some were illegal, some immoral, some handmade, others smuggled from foreign countries.
Suffice to say, I never once received an apron.
The canning bib was much appreciated. I wrote a nice note of thanks to the woman from Pittsburgh. It was not only a thoughtful gift, but also a reminder. The makeup of my audience may change (as have I) over the years, but that doesn't mean they aren't just as appreciative of the effort.
Thirty-two years spent in the lying, manipulative media does have its advantages.
Nobody's ever sent me anything after a day of spreading manure.
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3 to 7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
