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We're all going to die
This week's death will come at the hands of rabid G-20 protesters. That's bad news not only for me, but also for the swine flu (or, as insulted hog farmers across the land have forced it to now be called, the H1N1 virus).
Swine flu held on to the No. 1 spot in the weekly countdown known as the American Death Forty for most of the past six months. It was supplanted for one weekend by crazed gym shooters and, during a four-day stretch in July, Health Care Death Panels.
Fitness center dance class, sniffling in bed or at the hands of crazed bureaucrats, one thing is for certain - we're all going to die.
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I saw it on the news.
Six months ago, I was sitting in a bar (there's a surprise) in Cancun, Mexico. Unbeknownst, death was swirling all around me. I didn't notice the reaper. Everyone I saw was healthy. No one had the flu, swine or otherwise. We all stared, healthy and happy, at the TV, tuned to CNN. The anchor was warning us that everyone in Cancun was infected and that, chances are, we would die.
I left the bar and went snorkeling.
We returned from our trip having spent a week without seeing one runny nose. The world, according to the TV, was in a panic. Death was being shipped back from Cancun by the planeload, and there was nothing anyone could do except stay tuned to the TV news for updates.
This morning, as you read this newspaper column, the G-20 summit is commencing in downtown Pittsburgh. There is a very real chance that protesters will gather and some may, indeed, become violent. Anyone old enough to have remembered the summer of 1968 will remind you that this too shall pass.
The difference between the two eras is not only the subject matter of the protests and abilities of the law enforcement officials to control the situation, but the reporting of the activities as well.
There used to be a time when television news sent reporters to the scene of a news story and told viewers what was happening. That has been replaced by shellacked harbingers of doom blasting storm warnings of "what could happen," followed days later by reports of "what could have happened."
People who have lived in both eras may be sickened by the disappearance of real journalism on the nightly news. Not me. I'm thankful that every time I click to my favorite channel at 11 o'clock they're helpful enough to give me fair warning as to what will cause my imminent demise this week.
Congratulations, G-20 protesters! You've made it to No. 1! You're this week's reason we're all going to die!
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Christmas is coming. We'll soon die at the hands of poisoned toys made in China.
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3 to 7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
