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11/1/2009 4:35 AM

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Now that the last of the wrapping paper has been swept from beneath the Halloween tree, and you've pulled the last strand of Halloween tinsel from the dog's butt, it's as good a time as any to begin planning next year's costume.

Among a certain segment of the population - primarily those still willing to drink beer from a funnel and hose - Halloween is the most important holiday of the year. It's no slouch for retailers either: Industry group the National Retail Federation expected spending on Halloween stuff to reach $4.75 billion this year.

Halloween's a big deal, an aspirational holiday, if you will, and the pressure to come up with a creative-yet-not-indicative-of-an-unhealthy-obssession costume weighs heavily on furrowed brows.

Women have it easy. They can default to sexy witch, sexy cat or any of the sexy derivatives: sexy theologian, sexy potato farmer, sexy ambassador to Uruguay. All are fair game on the one night of the year when we're encouraged to cross lines of decorum and taste.

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Men have a more interesting challenge. If your costume is too elaborate, people will look at you funny, like you're one of those guys who dresses up as the Pink Panther or whatever before he heads off to protest the Group of 20. There's the implication that you have a little too much time on your hands and maybe an illegal pornography collection.

The keys are to find something that 1.) doesn't take a lot of time to assemble and 2.) is comfortable and allows for the easy conveyance of beverages and hors d'oeuvres to your mouth.

With that, what follows are recommendations for simple, crowd-pleasing Halloween costumes for men and manly women. Feel free to clip and save this column for handy future reference.

n Antarctica. Required accoutrements: All-white apparel, Union Jack on a toothpick and plastic army man painted blue. Behavior: If anyone asks about the stuff you've hot-glued to your white mock turtleneck, tell them they're the British flag and the corpse of Robert Falcon Scott; often wonder aloud, "Is it cold in here, or is it just me?"

n Higgs boson particle. Required accoutrements: Telephone and telephone numbers of people at Halloween party. Behavior: Stay at home and call people at the party at random intervals to make them pretty sure that, even though you haven't been observed, you do exist.

n Last-known photograph of Mark Twain. Required accoutrements: Bowler hat, white mustache and comfy afghan. Behavior: Wrap the afghan around your neck and shoulders and stare stonily into the eyes of everyone you meet until they look away, pondering the decrepitude that old age visits on even our brightest lights; then ask them if they'd like a pumpkin cookie from the food table.

n Newspaper columnist. Required accoutrements: The least attractive clothing in your wardrobe and a smirk. Behavior: Try to engage in serious conversations with the people at the party; failing that, produce a bulleted list of fart jokes from an inner pocket.

Dave Penn is a copy editor for the Observer-Reporter. Contact him at dpenn@observer-reporter.com.

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