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Shop with a game plan
Being a man, more specifically a man who likes mud and hates malls, I am here to offer advice to others like myself. You can survive this if you keep your head.
I finished my Christmas shopping today. I also started my Christmas shopping today.
I bought 16 gifts from five stores in one hour and 18 minutes.
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Make a list.
Obey the list.
The list is your friend.
Be specific. If Dad wants a drill, find out the exact drill he wants. Don't guess. Ask him. He'll tell you. Dad has no interest in surprises. He's lived a long life. He'll tell you straight out he'd like a "Craftsman model 3871."
Avoid placing any clothing items on the list. Your sister wants a pretty turtleneck sweater. She has subtly hinted as much by saying things like, "Buy me a pretty turtleneck sweater for Christmas or I will tell what I know."
Forget it. Punt that item onto your Mom's list, as in, "Hey, Mom. I heard Sis wants a sweater for Christmas. And by the way, she lies."
Clothing is a list trap.
Avoid it.
Once your list is complete, you may leave the house.
As you arrive at the store, ask the first person wearing a vest where to find each specific item. Do not be ashamed to ask for help - look for the oldest smiling person. Ask them kindly and politely for the specific item you need to purchase. They will direct you. Sometimes (if they notice you are helpless and out of your element), they'll lead you there by the hand.
Pick the item up and move on to the next assignment on your list.
Here's a tip: Stay away from the video department. It contains shiny, colorful things that move around. They'll only distract you. Today, you're on a mission.
When choosing a check-out line, take the advice of someone who is a seasoned veteran of last-minute, in-a-hurry, please-don't-make-me-hurt-you shopping. I always look for the crankiest, angriest cashier. They don't chat. That makes for a quick getaway.
You're not looking for a new soul mate. You're trying to complete your mission and return in record time.
You can do it.
You can be home by kickoff relatively intact.
Preparation. Execution. Focus. Keep these three things in mind at all times. Maybe this year you'll also achieve a personal best, like that magic shopping season of 1988.
I couldn't be stopped that year - in-laws, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, eight friends, five co-workers and my wife in 58 minutes.
They still talk about it down at J.C. Penney's.
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3-7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
