Dave Molter

Column Dave Molter

Dave Molter is a freelance writer and former Golden Quill and Keystone Press Awards winner. He also is a freelance musician in the Pittsburgh area.

The Twinkie tapes

  • November 22, 2012

Using the latest technology, scientists have uncovered what was recorded during the infamous 18 ½ -minute gap on the Oval Office tapes recorded by President Richard Nixon during the 1972 presidential campaign. Here’s a transcript.

H.R. Haldeman (HRH): … so I tell her, “That’s what my prom date said!”

Richard M. Nixon (RMN): “(Expletive deleted), Bob! You made milk come out my nose!”

HRH: Sorry, Mr. President.

RMN: That’s all right, Bob. Now, back to the McGovern thing and the … um …Watergate … and the … um …

HRH: Thing.

RMN: Yes. Refresh my memory. And pour me another glass of milk.

HRH: Here you are, sir.

RMN: (Sound of slurping.) My mother served milk like this, Bob.

HRH: Yes, sir.

RMN: Where are the … you know … the ... um ... Twinkies?

HRH: I believe that John Dean ate the last ones at this morning’s staff meeting, sir.

RMN: That (expletive deleted) four-eyed, bald-headed bum!

HRH: Yes, sir.

RMN: Get more!

HRH: Yes, sir. (Sound of footsteps. Sound of a door opening. Sound of humming.)

RMN: … Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna … (Sound of approaching footsteps.)

HRH: Here they are, sir. An unopened box.

RMN: Where were we?

HRH: McGovern …

RMN: That (expletive deleted) bald-headed bum.

HRH: … might get the nomination, but he can’t win in November. And even though they know about the Watergate break-in, we don’t see how it possibly can be linked to us.

RMN: Excellent! Great job, Bob! Have a Twinkie!

HRS: Thank you, Mr. President.

RMN: How many Twinkies were in this box, Bob?

HRH: 10 packages of two, I believe, Mr. President.

RMN: Only 10? Not enough! Call Jerry Ford and tell him to pressure Hostess to put at least 20 in a box. That way that (expletive deleted) weasel Dean can’t eat them all. Better yet, amend the Constitution to that effect. Put Agnew on it.

HRH: I’ll look into it, sir.

RMN: I can’t envision America without Twinkies, Bob. If that happens it will mean there’s a Democrat in the White House. Probably that last Kennedy brat. (Sound of lips smacking.) My mother used to make confections just like these, Bob. She called them Dickie Cakes.

HRH: Yes, sir.

RMN: Kissinger says they’re bad for you. That lousy, four-eyed, kraut-eating bum.

HRH: I’d say that characterization is spot on, sir.

RMN: Of course it is! I’m the president! (pause) They’re not bad for you. They represent all that’s good in America. Freedom Fingers … that’s what they should be called. If the Silent Majority would speak, do you know what they’d say, Bob?

HRH: I do not, Mr. President.

RMN: “Give us more Twinkies!” That’s what they’d say, Bob.

(Sound of a door opening.)

UNKNOWN VOICE: Bob, can I talk to you out here for a minute?

HRH: Excuse me one moment, Mr. President.

RMN: (Sound of humming.) … I’ve got a brand-new pair of roller skates, you’ve got a brand-new key …

HRH: Sir, we have a problem.

RMN: Don’t tell me Dean ate my Twinkies again?

HRH: No, sir. But apparently the FBI Watergate investigators …

RMN: Those bums!

HRH: … have linked a check written by one of our supporters back to one of the burglars. This could be very bad, sir.

RMN: You’re right. This is bad! Order more Twinkies! All you can. Have them delivered in plain boxes so Dean can’t find them. Put a few hundred gross in the bunker in case McGovern wins!

HRH: We’re confident that’s not going to happen, sir. But … with all due respect, Mr. President … hadn’t we best address this Watergate thing first?

RMN: Those (expletive deleted)Viet Cong bums! If Vietnam falls, the rest of Southeast Asia will go down like a row of Twinkies.

HRH: The Watergate, sir? They’re asking questions.

RMN: Stonewall them! Take the Fifth Amendment. (long pause) Bob, are you an Ameri-can, or an Ameri-can’t?

HRH: I’m an Americ-CAN!, Mr. President.

RMN: Then kneel down here and pray with me over this Twinkie! Pray that Hostess never goes out of business!

HRH: In one moment, sir. (Sound of footsteps. Click of a switch.) Rosemary?

Rosemary Wood (RW): Yes, Mr. Haldeman?

HRH: I need you to do something for me.

RW: More Twinkies, Mr. Haldeman?

HRH: Um, yes … and … (Sound of a desk drawer opening.) can you fix a tape for me?


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