Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

The movies - an unexpected journey

‘Hobbit’ fun, but not my cup of tea

December 21, 2012

My friend Scott invited me to see “The Hobbit” last weekend. I wasn’t planning on going, but I hadn’t seen my friend Scott in six months. I wasn’t even sure I was going to recognize him when I picked him up outside of his apartment. Luckily, he was the only guy standing there on the street.

I saw all three “Lord of The Rings” movies, but I didn’t love them. However, as any collector would tell you, I had to complete the set. I couldn’t leave an incomplete list of films hanging like that. I’ve even seen all six of the “Star Wars” movies, but probably should have stopped after Jar Jar Binks showed up.

Here’s the deal: I don’t know the difference between Orcs, Trolls, Dwarves, Goblins, etc. I do know that Martin Freeman from BBC’s “Sherlock” was in it. Some people may remember him as the Porn Star in “Love, Actually.” Freeman was the head Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins. There were very few other Hobbits in the movie called “The Hobbit,” but I guess that’s beside the point.

Bilbo is the kind of name that can get you in trouble when using Spell Check or Auto Correct.

I thought everyone did a marvelous job acting, especially since they were probably talking to tennis balls (back before CGI, and sometimes still, actors follow a tennis ball on a stick with their eyes so they will look like they’re talking to a dragon, demon or talking bunny rabbit).

In the story, Bilbo hangs out with more dwarves than Snow White. I couldn’t keep all of their names straight, but their names rhymed with each other if you said them in a certain order, Kili, Fili, Ori, Dori, Bori, Lori, Michael Nouri.

They were known to me as the fat one, the young one, the old one, Grumpy, Dopey and Doc. There were no girl dwarves. I guess they’re like Smurfs.

The only female in the whole movie had a crush on Sir Ian McKellen. Good luck with that, sweetie. Someone should tell her she’s barking up the wrong wizard.

The Hobbit and his dwarf friends are enlisted by the wizard to fight a dragon named Smaug, which sounds a lot like smog. I found that to be ironic, considering he shoots fire out of his face.

The good guys beat a bunch of bad guys on their way to meet the dragon. Spoiler alert: there’s a sequel in the works, so they don’t actually finish their main mission. This means I have to go to yet another Hobbit movie in the near future.

It was a fun movie, but not really my cup of tea. I like Earl Grey, and this was kinda like peppermint/ginger infusion tea.

Here’s the worst part. My friend Scott offered to buy my ticket. That’s a good thing, right? Well, I felt obligated to buy him snacks. He wanted the large popcorn, the large soda and peanut M&Ms. Once I bought my own small soda, I was out 18 bucks. The total was way more than I would have paid if I just bought my own damn ticket. It will be a few more months before I see Scott again.



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