Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

A resolution to stick to my old resolutions

January 4, 2013

It’s 2013, and it’s time to get back on the resolution bandwagon. I believe I only use the word resolution in January. I don’t think it’s a word I have ever used in June.

I have been using the same list of New Year’s resolutions since 2009. Though I resolve to stick with each resolution longer this year. Basically, I am making a resolution to stick to my old resolutions.

I haven’t even used the word resolve in a sentence since I was reciting Hamlet in English class in high school (“O, that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into dew!”). If I have used the word resolve in a sentence since, I was most likely speaking of the carpet-cleaning product.

I have resolved to lose weight with the mantra: “Move more, eat less.”

I tried to get a jump on things the week between Christmas and New Year’s. The “move more” portion got off to a rocky start. I tried Bob Harper’s Insanity Workout DVD. You have to be a little insane to get through to the end of each session. I think he’s trying to kill me.

As far as the “eat less” portion of the mantra … the Christmas cookies had to be gone by the first of the year, and there is still a lot of chocolate at my house. I started inviting family and friends over. I tried to get them to take a doggie bag when they left (don’t let your actual doggies have the chocolate … some of it was imported). I still got stuck with some of the goodies. Come over! I still have M&Ms from Halloween!

I may have to borrow a page from the neighbor kid’s playbook and put up a stand in the front yard and sell the rest of it to passersby.

I am also planning to be a bit more economical in the New Year. I want to stay on a budget. Actually, I want to create a budget. It will be a good reason to use my Excel spreadsheet experience. Maybe I won’t be running to the bank at the last minute trying to stave off an exorbitant bounced-check fee.

If only I exercised more and opened my wallet less. I’d be thin and rich. Can spending money be a competitive sport? I would so get a gold medal. I have turned mall-walking into an activity. We just have to add the shopping component and score competitively.

This leads me to my other resolution from years gone by. I want to meditate more. I want to find inner peace. I heard it’s in here somewhere. Inner peace has almost become a cliché. I think that’s really easy if you’re a guru on a mountaintop but hard when you’re in a Giant Eagle parking lot about to be run over by the guy who is backing up and not looking. You are not likely to get run over at the top of that mountain, unless there’s a yak crossing.

Will I stick with the new/old resolutions? I plan on making it past Jan. 6 this year, at least, and I am resolute in that!



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