Dave Molter

Column Dave Molter

Dave Molter is a freelance writer and Golden Quill and Keystone Press Awards winner. He also is a freelance musician in the Pittsburgh area.

Get your smart fork here!

January 15, 2013

Hi yo, silverware!

Hurry, hurry! Step right up! Folks, you say you’re having trouble sticking to your New Year’s resolution to eat less. You say you want to lose weight, but you just can’t stop your arm from shoveling food into your mouth faster than the fireman throwing coal into the boiler of a steam locomotive trying to outrun an Apache war party!

Well, folks, I’m here to tell you not to lose hope. Because I have a simple, four-word solution to all your eating woes. And those words are, “Tech. Nol. O. Gee.” You heard me right, ma’am.

Folks, take a gander at HAPIfork, an electronic eating utensil that warns you when you’re eating too fast. How? I’m gonna tell ya how, mister!

You program HAPIfork using an application for your smartphone or computer – you have a smartphone, don’t ya, kid? – and here’s how it works. Now, I’m no rocket scientist, folks, so I’m gonna read from this here piece of paper provided by HAPIlabs, HAPIfork’s inventors, who may be rocket scientists but, even if they aren’t, at least know how to spell rocket:

“The HAPIfork contains an electronic key with a printed circuit that links the extremity of the fork and the handle of the fork. When you put the fork in the mouth, it closes the electric loop. The device is able to count the number of fork servings during a meal because it only interacts with two parts of the body: your mouth and your hand.”

That’s right, folks, HAPIfork knows how long you take between bites, and if it’s not long enough, this cutting-edge cutlery vibrates and flashes red lights to get you to slow down!

I know what you’re thinking, bub: you have a wife to do that! But I’m here to tell you that HAPIfork is better than a wife because HAPIfork can’t invite her mother to live with you for six months. That was a joke, ma’am.

Now, I ask you … how much would you be willing to pay for this amazing appliance, which will knock the weight off you faster than the Pittsburgh Pirates get knocked out of the pennant race every year? $300? $200?

Well, folks, find a place to sit down, because you are going to get weak in the knees when I tell you that I’m not asking $300, I’m not asking $200 … heck, folks, call me crazy, but I’m not asking even $100 for this terrific tined terror!

Preorder HAPIfork today, ladies and gents, and I’ll charge you only $99. Plus, I’ll throw in at absolutely no extra charge a software package that includes, in the words of the megabrained manufacturers of HAPIfork:

• An Online Dashboard to store and review your eating-related data and help you track your progress meal after meal

• A Mobile App so you can check your progress from the road as well as from home

• A Coaching Program to eat smarter and healthier: helpful, useful advice, practical tips and balanced meal plan

• A fun Online Social Game to motivate you to implement these new smart eating habits with your loved ones

Stick a fork in your eating problems, folks, because with HAPIfork, they’re done!

But wait, there’s more. Order today and I’ll throw in, absolutely free (after a modest shipping and handling charge) your choice of these other fine products that the scientists in that tent over yonder are working on as we speak:

SlottOmatic, the amazing perforated spoon that keeps you from eating too much soup!

PointOmatic, the amazing electronic knife that tells you if you’re holding it by the wrong end.

Act now! These products won’t be around forever!

Keep yer mitts of the merchandise, kid!



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