Dave Molter

Here’s what I think

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I messaged my Facebook girlfriend on inauguration night to ask what she thought of Michelle Obama’s new bangs, but she didn’t answer. After a few days, I discovered that someone had kidnapped my Internet babe. But the ransom email had gone into my SPAM folder. By the time I found it, the ransomer’s next email told me she was dead.


I started to drive to her funeral but found out that the state where she claimed to live – Alassippivania – had seceded from the union. So I turned around. Then someone texted me and said it was all just an elaborate scheme concocted by a rival columnist to make me look bad. I have no idea who texted me. But thank God for that person. He really opened my eyes.


Now I’m at a loss for what to think about Michelle’s bangs. Should I like them? Is she a contemporary Diana Ross? Or a reincarnated black, female John Denver? I just don’t know. But at least she isn’t an African, like her husband. Someone told me that. I forget who it was. Maybe I read it in that neo-Nazi newsletter I keep getting. I’m sure I didn’t subscribe, but the mailman told me that I must have or else he wouldn’t keep bringing it to my house. At least I think he is a mailman. His government van has a swastika on the door. He says that if I subscribed, I have to read it.


Was Beyonce lip-syncing at the inauguration? My Facebook girlfriend told me as much before she disappeared. Now that she’s gone, I just don’t know what to think. The Marine Band says she was faking it. But I’m confused. Isn’t the Marine Band a harmonica? Do you think that maybe my Facebook honey was kidnapped by Beyonce’s security team?


Is Jackie Evancho a woman or a little girl? Her voice says “woman,” but her body says “little girl.” But she is dressed like a woman. Or like a little girl in a “Little Miss” beauty pageant. Little Miss Anthracite Coal, perhaps. But I hear she’s Bituminous.


I think that one of the women on VH1’s “Mob Wives” is really a man. I’ve never watched the show, but I’ve seen the promos and the one I’m thinking of looks like a young Lee Van Cleef, only a bit more rugged and with more prominent cheekbones. And I haven’t seen Lee Van Cleef lately, so it’s possible.


Why is “Pawn Stars” so popular? From what I can tell, here’s the entire show:


“How much do you want?”


“$15,000.”


“Ain’t gonna happen.”


“I’m disappointed.”


Repeated five times.


I think I should think it’s a dumb show. But someone told me it’s way popular. So I guess I should watch it. What do you think?


I get most of my opinions from talk radio. That’s why I bought a gun on the Sunday before the inauguration. Some caller said I’d better get one quick because Obama – not Michelle; her African husband – is driving around the country and making the Secret Service confiscate law-abiding citizens’ weapons. He puts them in the trunk of his presidential limo. He is going to load them into Air Force One, drop them over the South, then parachute down and lead a slave revolt, like Spartacus. I don’t know who Spartacus is, but his name sounds dangerous. Like “Cassius Clay.”


I listen to sports talk radio, too. But all they seem to care about is whether Marc Andre Fleury is the real deal. My Facebook girlfriend told me he is a hockey player. But since she wasn’t real, people say I can’t believe anything she said.


Besides, I don’t like hockey. I like baseball. But someone just told me that Roberto Clemente is dead, too. How can that be, when I see him running out from under his hat on sports highlights films all the time?


I don’t think I like the world the way it is anymore. Is that OK?


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