Dave Molter

A vast right-wings conspiracy

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I routinely look for news about stupid people. I admit that I sometimes do this to make myself feel better after I have done something dumb. Something like forgetting to put on an oven mitt before taking a baked dish out of the oven. Which I did a few years ago.


It was fascinating, in retrospect, to realize how long it took my brain to associate the sensation of extreme heat in my right hand with the 350-degree piece of metal in my right hand and my failure to place my mitt in a mitt. It took several seconds, I think. Then, reflex took over and frittata went flying. I survived, unscarred, and a better man for it. I figure it was God’s way of giving me a little taste of how Hell might feel. At least at dinnertime.


Although I didn’t do anything very dumb this weekend, on Monday I still went looking for people more stupid than I. And they were easy to find.


Take, for example, the Memphis father and son who, after discovering a takeout chicken place had given them the wrong order, went back to set things right – toting an AK-47. Antonius Hart Sr. and Antonius Hart Jr. returned to Pirtle’s chicken after discovering the cashier had not given them the order of wings they had requested. Told of the mistake, the cashier offered to make good, but Hart Sr. demanded extra wings because they had to return to the restaurant. When the cashier refused, Hart revealed the assault rifle.


Another employee spotted the gun and called police, who charged Hart Sr. with aggravated assault and his son with facilitation of a felony. Seems pretty harebrained, I admit. But at least one customer interviewed by a local TV station about the incident thought it might improve customer service. I can’t help but think that the Harts may have set the whole thing up. The NRA will deny it, of course, but I think it was a vast, right-wings conspiracy.


Until the Harts nailed down the Dumb Clucks trophy, it looked like Sgt. Scott Biumi was a lock for the award. On April 18, Biumi, a 20-year veteran of the Dekalb, Ga., police force, became tired of waiting in line at a McDonald’s drive-through window. So he hopped out of his car, walked to the front of the queue and yelled at Ryan Mash, the 18-year-old driver of the car at the takeout window. “Stop holding up the drive-through line!” Biumi allegedly shouted. Mash apologized, but Biumi apparently felt Mash’s reply was sarcastic. So he did the American thing.


He pulled a handgun, placed it against Mash’s neck and shouted, “You don’t know who you’re (expletive deleted) with.” The restaurant’s security camera captured the entire incident, and witnesses wrote down the license plate number of the car Biumi was driving. Police traced the plate to his unmarked official car. Biumi’s now on administrative leave and faces a court hearing in May. Let’s hope the line’s not too long.


The moral in all this? Obviously, fast food really can kill you.


So eat at home. The occasional glowing hand is worth it.


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