Dave Molter

2013 A.Z.

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When the zombies come to eat my brain, I suppose I’ll be sorry I didn’t buy the Apocalypse Survival Kit, available from Gerber, manufacturers of survival gear – not purveyors of pureed fruits and vegetables. (Although, come to think of it, pureed pears might seem real tasty during any apocalypse.) The kit is a very cool thing. The description from the Gerber website:


“What if it happens? What if our worst fears are realized? If the Dead walk, the continuation of the human race will become a daily struggle. Are you prepared to protect and defend your family and friends? Your best chance lies in the Gerber Apocalypse Survival Kit. … To beat the uprising we must work together. We must arm ourselves and organize.”


The kit ($349) contains a camp axe, a military knife, two folding knives, a plain ol’ machete, a “pro” machete and a machete called a parang – which I assume takes its name from the sound the blade makes when it lops off a zombie head. Best of all, everything in the kit carries a lifetime warranty. And you know that even after zombies attack, Gerber – using all those kits in the warehouse to fend off the undead – will still be in business to replace your parang in case it chips on an undead’s skull. That’s comforting. Yet, I hesitate.


The items in this kit are mostly for choppin’, which means close combat. To keep my distance from zombies, I might want to spend my $349 on bullets. Not the Zombie Max ammo rolled out last year, but Jihawg Ammunition, being sold by South Fork Industries in Dalton Gardens, Idaho. Jihawg – coated with pork-infused paint – is being marketed as a double-whammy against Islamic terrorists.


“With Jihawg Ammo, you don’t just kill an Islamist terrorist, you also send him to hell,” a South Fork press release states. “If it ever becomes necessary to defend yourself and those around you our ammo works on two levels.” At just $24.75 per 50 rounds, I could at least hedge my bets just in case Muslim terrorist zombies show up. I mean, they were angry before they were dead. Then again, I imagine a zombie of any religious persuasion would still be a bit, um, miffed. Still, I hesitate.


My big question: In order for Jihawg Ammo to work on two levels, doesn’t said Muslim zombie need to know it’s being shot with said ammo? And won’t my screaming, “I’m shooting you with a bullet smeared with pork fat!” let said zombie lurch closer before I can get a round off? And if it does, will my replacement parang be back from Gerber yet? I hesitate.


And really, why would I want to survive the zombie apocalypse? I’ve seen the movies and TV shows. Constantly on the run. Afraid to sleep. Not knowing if I can trust even other humans. OK, that doesn’t sound so different from life as we know it now. But think of the inconvenience!


You think it’s hard to find toilet paper, bread and milk now before a predicted snowstorm? Just wait till 2013 A.Z. (After Zombie). We’re talking, at best, day-old croissants and lukewarm lattes at Starbuck’s. Never having to send rental DVDs back to Netflix might even things out somewhat. But, honestly … one- bar cellphone reception? Everyone has limits!


So I think I don’t want to survive the zombie apocalypse. Or an asteroid strike. Or nuclear war. I’ll ponder a bit more how to spend that $349.


Perhaps on a DVD collection of Jerry Springer TV shows.


Then, if zombies do eat my brain, at least they’ll get indigestion.


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