Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

New year, new words

January 3, 2014

It’s 2014, you guys. I’m still writing 1984 on all my checks.

A lot happened in one year. In 2013, I learned some words. I watched as people twerked, took selfies, got catfished and sharted.

In 2013, we learned Miley Cyrus has a really long tongue. We also learned when you shake your booty at warp speed, it’s called twerking. It looks like her gluteus maximus was having an epileptic seizure. Thanks for that, Miley. We loved seeing you grind on people during the MTV Video Music Awards.

Did you ever notice twhen someone wants to be taken seriously as an adult, they do something childish? She needs a timeout.

Kim Kardashian could rip a hole in the space/time continuum if she twerked. People talked about her backside as much as they talked about Cyrus’. In 2013, one enormous ego (Kanye West) proposed to one gigantic pork butt (Kardashian). In June, the large masses collided and created a direction, North West. The child, whose name, I suspect, came from the couple’s Garmin, will probably have his own reality show by late 2014. I look forward to not watching it.

Early in the year, we learned the word selfie. A selfie is when you take a picture of yourself, usually in a mirror. Kardashian invented the Belfie, a picture of her backside that she took herself. That girl is all butt and a butthead.

Early in the year, Manti Te’o was scammed into believing he was dating a girl he never met. Here’s my advice for Mr. Te’o: Dating is when you spend time with someone in the same room. You don’t even have to kiss or hold hands, but you do actually have to be in the presence of the other person. We learned a new word during the whole rigmarole: catfish. Technically, it’s an old word with a new meaning. It means to trick someone with a fake online profile. In 2013, a Friday night dinner special became a verb. He was catfished. He was not fried and breaded, but he was tricked into believing someone was not who they said they were. We used to just pull wool over people’s eyes. I don’t know why the lambs were replaced by fish. There must be a powerful sheep lobby.

Also in 2013, Al Roker told people he meant to relieve himself of a little gas while at the White House. More than gas leaked out. He ruined a pair of underwear and had to dispose of them in the White House bathroom. Then, he decided to tell the world. If it happened to me, I doubt I would tell people I made No. 2 in my pants. If I did happen to tell the world, I certainly wouldn’t tell them where the incident took place. That would be between me and the White House janitorial staff.

Thanks to Roker, the portmanteau “sharted” was born. It comes from the combination of two words, one of which is farted. I think you can guess the rest.

I predict a lot of crazy new words will be discovered in 2014. I plan on being right here, making fun of all of them. Happy New Year, kids!



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