Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

The man, the monster, the robot

February 21, 2014

I’m a pretty social guy. I would classify myself as an extrovert. According to a test on Facebook, I’m Grover from Sesame Street. I see it. I could be Grover. He’s fun and gregarious and he’s not as annoying as Elmo. He’s also furry. I have been called furry. Oddly enough, he’s also my favorite Sesame Street character. I would have been really disappointed if I got Bert or Mr. Snuffleupagus. That’s just not who I am.

I totally judged a friend who scored Oscar the Grouch on his quiz. The answer seemed to suit him. Obviously, he complained about the comparison, proving the accuracy of the personality test.

According to the quizzes, I’m also Captain America, Lady Sybil Crawley Branson and Optimus Prime. The only thing it proves is I have too much time on my hands. Captain America would never take time away from his job to take a quiz, therefore, instantly disproving our similarities. “Rescue you from Batroc the Leaper? Sorry. I’m trying to find out which Disney Princess I am.” Duh. He’s so Mulan.

The Facebook quizzes are the new astrology. I know it’s meaningless and stupid, but I kinda want to know. Everyone else is jumping off that bridge, Ma, I want to jump, too.

Imagine a day when people use their Zimbio quiz to hook up, just like people used to tell you their sign back in the mid-to-late ’70s (I wasn’t old enough to be in a disco, but I’ve seen movies).

Picture it, a day in the near future someone will say, “I got Freddie and you got Daphne, we should totally Scooby-Doo together,” or “I am Ron and you’re a Hermione, we should totally make magic together.” There’s a particular place in hell for me for adding to the sleazy pick-up line quotient.

I’d like to think I am a Grover/Captain America/Lady Sybil type. I’d admit it’s an odd combination, but I like to think that I am an extroverted leader who isn’t afraid of breaking the rules. Though I’m more likely to marry the help than throw a trash can lid around. I actually don’t know anything about Optimus Prime other than he’s a big robot from outer space. I was in my late teens when that cartoon came out and, therefore, past the “Transformers” stage. Besides, after I saw “Pearl Harbor,” I have the whole “I’m never, ever seeing another Michael Bay movie” vow to uphold.

I really do identify with my test results, just as I identify with being a Libra. Clearly, there are more than 12 distinct personality types among nearly 6 billion earthlings, even if you take into consideration your sun sign, your moon sign and your rising sign. It’s still a limited combination of personality types. I do feel I’m a Grover, though. He’s funny. I can be funny.

Next Halloween, I’m going to put on my gladiator helmet and cape and go as Super-Grover.

I am the monster at the end of this column.



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