Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

28 days later

February 28, 2014

February is over, and I couldn’t be happier. For a short month, it felt pretty long. It was all the polar vortices (I’ve never had to use the plural of vortex before, and I hope I never have to again). There was a lot going on in the last 28 days.

We had the Olympics. I have to say I didn’t watch much of the Olympics. I wasn’t boycotting it. I just couldn’t bring myself to care. I am not a Winter Games sort of person. I recognize the talent and skill of figure skating, but it’s not a sport for me. I don’t like sports where everyone dresses like a Las Vegas showgirl, especially the men.

When I can go around the rink once without falling down, I call it a win. I can’t imagine doing cantilever with a backflip in a sparkly outfit, no less.

It’s the same with skiing. I like to ski, but I don’t want to watch people doing it. Besides, what I do on skis and what professionals do on skis is completely different. I try to make it down the hill alive. When I fall, it’s not because I did a frontside alley-oop, corked 720 with a McTwist. It’s because I was trying to not hit a 7-year-old. Usually the 7-year-old on a snowboard has more grace and dignity than I do.

The skeleton scared the hell out of me. I don’t think that anyone should be moving that quickly while lying down. If you want to stop moving, you lie down. You don’t go careening down a mountain at 80 mph. Maybe they should get innertubes. That’s way more fun. Besides, it’s called the skeleton, as if the whole point of the race is to separate you from your bones, which would be easy if you hit a tree at that speed.

There was also a hockey game. Canada won and people were actually surprised. Well, the Canadians weren’t. They invented the sport and they’re darn good at it. The best part of the Olympics was watching Putin’s face when the Americans beat the Russians in hockey. Rumor has it Pouty-Face said, “This is what losing a legal election must feel like.”

The Russians got a lot of praise for their successful Olympics, mostly because no one died. I thought they were going to shoot Johnny Weir on sight (Is it me, or is his last name missing a “d” at the end?). I have to give Weir some credit, though. It takes a lot of guts to walk around Russia with shoulder pads and bedazzled … everything.

February also brought us the Daytona 500. Now, that’s a sport I think I could do. I know how to drive in circles; I’m really good at driving around pointlessly. Plus, the Daytona 500 is in Florida. It’s literally named after a city in Florida where the event is held. It’s warm in Daytona. That’s another reason I like it better. It’s also a sport where you get to sit behind the wheel and just hit the gas. That seems a lot easier than doing a triple lutz or twizzle.



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