Dave Molter

Writing naked

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I’m not wearing any pants.


This is not one of former U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner’s favorite texting lines. It is merely a statement of fact. Working from home has its perks. When you work from your own back bedroom, you needn’t shower, shave or brush your teeth. Nor do you need to wear pants. Ask my neighbors.


OK, I’ve been both above-board and below-waist with you. Whether we take our relationship to the next level is up to you. I’m thinking of making this a naked column. The premise is simple: I write in the nude; you read in the nude.


I got this idea from reality TV. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a whole slew of cable shows in which the participants are nude: The Discovery Channel’s “Naked and Afraid”; VH-1’s “Dating Naked”; and TLC’s “Buying Naked.”


Of course, full-frontal nudity is blurred on these shows because everyone knows that seeing below-the-equator frontal naughty bits makes the heads of Americans explode. Exactly why it doesn’t produce the same response in people from other countries has something to do with either their drinking water or socialized medicine. Maybe that’s why Republicans hate Obamacare. Naked butts are OK on American TV because they only make us laugh. Where do you think the phrase “butt of a joke” came from?


“Naked and Afraid,” the first program of its type in America, dumps one naked male and one naked female in an extreme environment for 21 days. A clothed, provisioned camera crew accompanies the couple but cannot interfere except in case of medical emergency. Each participant is permitted to choose one survival tool – a machete, perhaps, or flint with which to make a fire. Me, I’d choose an AK-47 with a full clip – to kill animals for food. But if that didn’t work, I’d shoot out the cameras, steal the crew’s food and claim I came through on wits alone.


As you might expect, the survivalists complain a lot and go against type. A military vet succumbs to sunburn and is rescued by his hard-as-nails female companion, who inexplicably is filled with remorse over having to kill an eel for food. Curiously, she shows no remorse over having to strip off on TV to feel self-worth.


The premise of “Dating Naked” is clear from its title – a man and a woman go on a date and, at least initially, neither wears clothes. The most important thing I learned from “Dating Naked” is that nude people can be just as vain, petty and nasty as those wearing clothes. One male participant becomes jealous when his date pays more attention to another naked guy; one woman becomes angry because her date fails to protect her from being whacked in the eye by a tree branch while they partake of naked zip-lining. It’s the stuff of high school dating except that, for men, it’s really hard to decide where to pin the corsage on prom night.


Needless to say, the ratings for all the “naked” shows are through the roof. I figure I’d best start “Writing Naked” before it shows up on MTV.


So, readers, what d’ya say? I’ll start writing naked if you’ll start reading naked. Who knows where this could lead? Naked book clubs? Naked poetry readings? Naked Amazon reviews? We’ll begin in two weeks. It will be liberating for all of us.


It will also be BYOC: Bring Your Own Chair.


One caveat: avoid vinyl.


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