Mike Buzzelli

Column Mike Buzzelli

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and published author. He is a theater and arts critic for 'Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh's online cultural talk magazine, and an active board member of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival, the Carnegie Arts Initiative and the Carnegie Screenwriters. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

There go the holidays!

August 15, 2014

Last week, I walked into a drugstore and found Halloween candy on sale.

I wanted to run to the cashier and, in my best Doc Brown impression, ask, “What’s today’s date?”

Clearly, I inadvertently stepped out of a DeLorean, a beat up blue police box or a hot tub time machine, because Oct. 31 is more than two months away.

No, it was August and the Halloween candy was on sale. Great Scott, Marty!

I’m going to pass on a little advice from the health experts and personal trainers like Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and such: The Mini-Snickers you buy today will not be the ones you will be handing out at your door on All Hallow’s Eve.

You will eat the whole bag before then. You’ll justify it by saying, “They’re really little candy bars, or I’ll just break off a bit of that Kit Kat bar.”

Pretty soon, you’ll be staring at empty wrappers.

Then, you’ll be Snickerless, Twixless or sans Reese’s. You will run out and buy more Halloween candy. You’ll probably eat that, too. Then, in late October, right around the time you’re actually supposed to buy it, you’ll have to get more.

On the second, possibly third or fourth, trip to Rite Aid, you’ll finally buy candy you don’t like, so you’re no longer tempted to eat the entire bag. I find Mallow Cups work nicely. Do they still make those?

Halloween is my favorite holiday, but if I hang a smiling skeleton on my front door before Labor Day, my neighbors will think I’m a little odd. They’ll think I’m stranger than they already do, which is quite a feat. I still may do “The Old Witch Runs into a Tree” bit. The kids next door love that one.

Carve a pumpkin in the dog days of August and you will have orangey mush oozing with big white seeds on your front porch by September. I am still crossing my fingers for one heat wave before summer ends, and that would turn a pumpkin into street pie.

You can’t even bob for apples yet. The really good varieties always show up later in the year. It’s a perfect time to bob for grapefruit. Can we make that a thing?

Every year, the holidays get closer and closer together in the store.

Last year, CVS had a Halloween candy sale and a Christmas sale in the same store. Soon, the Christmas candy is going to be next to the chocolate bunnies and the Paas egg dye.

Like Jack Skellington, we’re going to have all the holidays at once this year. That really is a nightmare before Christmas.

We can make it easy by hanging Valentine hearts and Easter eggs on the Christmas tree.

In the old days, we’d make fun of the neighbors who never took down their Christmas lights. Now, I’m learning they were ahead of the curve. Who knew?

I’d like to take this time to say, “Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, Happy New Year! Be My Valentine. Happy Easter, have a terrific Memorial Day and happy Fourth of July!” Whew. We’re back here where we started.



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