RSS | 
Twitter
| 
Be a fan!
Warning: This story does not contain peanuts or peanut byproducts
I turned bottle over and read, “Warning: May cause drowsiness." It’s Nyquil. That was the point. I rolled my eyes and sighed. It’s just another there-are-instructions-on-the-shampoo-bottle moment.
We live in a society that warns us that our hot coffee may be hot.
Rate This Story:
1 the lowest - 5 the highest
Current rating:
Companies have to slap all these warnings on products or something will go horribly wrong. I know this to be true. I read the Darwin Awards. Every year, someone inevitably does something so stupid that he or she dies from not reading the label. Recently, I heard about the criminal who spray-painted himself gold. The gold paint was used as a disguise so that he and his friend could rob the Sprint store. He fled with cash and credit cards, but died of asphyxiation because he didn’t read the warning on the metallic paint; it was highly toxic.
If we didn’t have labels, there would be so many more tragic deaths. We would be mourning the loss of people who plummet to their death in a Superman costumes because they didn’t read the label that clearly stated, “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
A portable stroller advises, “Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." I sure hope busy moms take the time to read that label, or they’ll have trouble distinguishing their babies from their accordions.
A can of pepper spray is labeled, “May irritate eyes." I should hope so. If I pepper spray a would-be assailant, I don’t want my attacker to say, “My goodness, sir! That was mildly unpleasant,” or whatever it is they’re saying on the street these days.
"Do not use orally,” is good advice, especially when said advice is on the handle of a toilet brush.
I do worry about the unfortunate woman who does not heed the warning on her curling iron, “For external use only!" There is going to be a hot time in the old town tonight.
This groundbreaking tidbit appears on an inordinate amount of products: “Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.” I find it so hard to use products when I’m sleeping or unconscious.
Some labels do confuse me, though. My string of Christmas lights warns, “For indoor or outdoor use only." If I’m not indoors or outdoors, where the heck am I?
If I ever end up in this neither region between indoors and outdoors, I'd better not bring the Christmas lights with me.
Mike Buzzelli has performed his standup routine at places on the Left Coast like The Comedy Store and The Ice House, before relocating to Western Pennsylvania. And he has plenty of writing experience, to boot.
labels : 3/29/2010
Very funny. I was laughing out loud.
peanut warning : 3/29/2010
Very entertaining and enjoyable read.
Don't Need No Instructions To Laugh : 3/31/2010
Very funny and oh so true. I like the rhythm and the delivery as much as I love the humor in this colomn. You are a true artist using words to paint laughs.
Wild kingdom : 4/12/2010
these labels are for everyone who would be picked off by Natural Selection! -lol
- Keep it civil and stay on topic.
- No profanity, vulgarity, racial slurs or personal attacks.
- Comments that harass others or joke about tragedies will be deleted.
- Keep it brief and turn off all caps.
- No URLs.
