7/24/2011 3:36 AM
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Harry Funk
Time for 4 eyes again
This article has been read 784 times
The eminently talented Randy Newman recorded a song called "Four Eyes," a somewhat harrowing depiction of how youngsters treat their peers who happen to wear eyeglasses.

If you're slightly sight-challenged, you probably remember at least a taunt or two from classmates. That's not the kind of treatment that does much for your self-esteem.

I was 7 when the optometrist prescribed glasses, and I spent the next seven years sporting various pairs of less-than-stylish spectacles, receiving the Randy Newman treatment throughout.

Finally, my dad rescued me by shelling out the money for my first pair of contact lenses.



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And check this out: We got the lenses from Dr. Robert Morrison of Harrisburg, a pioneer in soft contacts whose clients also included the likes of Bill Cosby, Lynda Carter and the Netherlands' Queen Juliana. You can look it up (I just did).

Suddenly going glasses-less boosted my confidence, starting me on a path to success ... well, obviously nothing remotely approaching the Cosbys, Carters and queens of the world.

Unfortunately, I've reached an age at which the contacts don't really do the job anymore.

You might be in the same boat: In order to read even not-so-fine print, you have to hold a piece of paper at arm's length. Even then, it might not be far enough away. With anything close to your eyes, forget it. No matter how much you squint, it's gibberish.

That's called presbyopia, and it's annoying.

So I'm in a quandary that many myopic folks face. Do I go back to wearing my regular specs, or continue to use contacts and try to keep pairs of reading glasses in strategic locations?

I've leaned more toward the latter route, mainly because I can see better while driving with my contact lenses. Plus, there's always the eyeglass stigma, which probably exists only in my own mind these days.

But when no reading glasses are anywhere to be found, I'm starting to feel helpless, especially when I have to ask someone to read something to me. No wonder the AARP keeps mailing stuff.

A friend suggested I try what he uses: monovision contact lenses, which correct distance vision in one eye and near vision in the other. That setup might work for him, but I envision suffering massive headaches as my eyes try to adjust accordingly.

I've also read about bifocal and multifocal contacts. Maybe I'll look into something like that one of these days.

In the meantime, I guess I'll be wearing glasses a whole lot more, even if they're just for reading.

At least no one will be calling me Four Eyes. I hope.

Online editor Harry Funk can be reached at hfunk

@observer-reporter.com.

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