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Having sex is an adult act with adult consequences
Mary Jo's response: No one should do anything sexual under pressure. No, you shouldn't do what he wants. Nothing sexual should ever be "expected" in a relationship, especially when a person is your age. Sex is an adult act with adult consequences.
Stop and think. If this young man truly cared about you as a person, he'd think about your feelings. At 14 you're not ready for the responsibilities that can arise if you get involved sexually. He isn't thinking of you. He isn't considering your reputation. The fact that he is older means nothing - older guys may be more physically mature, but just being older doesn't mean he has the right to demand anything.
I believe that any young man who truly loves a young woman of your age would avoid anything that could put her at risk. Having a baby at 14 is a tough journey; I've supported thousands of young women in that situation. Many of those young mothers worked hard, graduated from high school, and parented their children well. I'm still positive that they would tell you how difficult their lives were and encourage you to wait.
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Peer educators' response: Age doesn't matter. If you aren't ready for the stuff he wants, tell him so. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If he can't wait, then it's time for you to move on.
Q. If a guy is a virgin, does that mean he's not interested in girls? Like I think I should stay abstinent because of my church, but now I'm confused. If it's easy for me to stay away from sex with girls, am I gay? I'm not attracted to guys, but all my friends act like not having sex is the worst thing. I don't feel that way. I'm just fine as I am. - 15-year-old male
Mary Jo's response: Whether a young man is a virgin or not has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual orientation. I think that you are - as you say - just fine.
Young people who are abstinent because of their faith typically find it easier to avoid sex. You may find that choice easier simply due to your faith. You've made a choice based on your beliefs and your morals. I'm sure that you are active in both church and school; staying busy and focusing on the future are both excellent ways to avoid risk.
Many young people are abstinent; many young people question their sexuality. Give yourself time. Remember that sex is an adult act. Have you watched babies eat and play? Baby activities are for little ones; adult activities are for grownups. You're simply acting your age. Stay young as long as you can. Enjoy being a teen and don't worry about what others are doing. You're making great choices. I think you'd be an excellent peer educator - give me a call (412-877-4906) and you can help others make healthy choices.
Peer educators' response: Just because it's easy for you to wait to have sex doesn't mean that you are gay. Don't let others influence you to live your life differently than you plan. Be yourself. There's time for you to get interested in sex. Don't worry.
Q. I wish I'd waited to have sex and I wish I could tell other teens to wait. I'm not saying you need to wait forever, but I was only 13, and I think that's too young. - 18-year-old female
Mary Jo's response: You just told other teens. Teens who read this column will hear your voice.
Let's talk about regret. No one is free of mistakes. None of us is perfect. Looking back over our lives and wishing we could change things - playing the game "what if?" - can lead to regret. Learn from the past, but don't dwell on it. Forgive yourself for times when you stumbled. Move forward with confidence.
I'd love to spend time with you and train you to be a peer educator. I believe that you would be a good teacher. Let's keep in touch. Thanks for sharing.
Peer educators' response: Thanks for explaining that it's OK to wait. However, we think that everyone is different. Just because you feel 13 was too young (and we agree) doesn't mean your experience is the same as the other people's experiences.
Mary Jo Podgurski, RNC, MA, EdD, is founder and director of the Teen Outreach program in Washington. Questions can be e-mailed to podmj@healthyteens.com or mailed to Box 437750, Observer-Reporter, 122 S. Main St., Washington, PA 15301. All names will remain confidential.
