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Earning cash, valuable prizes
I have never been a very good salesman.
I learned this fact early in life. There was no future for me in selling anyone anything. The lesson was taught by the American Seed Co., who, through an offer on the back cover of a comic book, possessed my soul for a short period in the 1960s.
There were photos in the seeds ad of happy, smiling children holding handfuls of dollar bills.
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I liked handfuls of dollar bills.
Mostly, though, I liked mini-bikes. And there, next to the "Engine Powered Turbo Jet" and the "Axe and Knife Kit" was a "Gas Powered Mini-Bike" that was meant for me.
I explained to my mother that no money was involved. It was a legit deal. The company would send me seeds. I would sell them to friends and neighbors. I would send the money back to the company.
Two weeks later, the seed packets arrived.
After visiting every neighbor, knocking on each door and mumbling something about "seeds" while looking at my feet, I was able to sell 17 packs of marigolds, petunias and carrots at 15 cents per pack. The bad news was that in order to qualify for the mini-bike, I would have to sell an additional four zillion packs of seeds.
What they failed to mention in the full color ad was the full amount of salesmanship this venture would require.
Not only was I short of my goal of a motorized scooter, but I'd also committed to American Seed Co. to sell all 44 packs of seeds they sent in that first shipment.
Soon, I received a letter from the company informing me that I owed them $6.60.
It quickly became apparent that I would never earn my way to a "Gas-Powered Mini-Bike," or a "Wrist Watch for Boys and Girls," a "Moonscope" or even the "Complete Archery Set."
A second letter arrived. The American Seed Co., Department 27, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, wanted their $6.60, or 44 packs of seeds, and they wanted them now.
There was only one thing to do.
Call Grandma.
After being bailed out from yet another childlike mistake by my grandmother (one I'd been warned about, as I was repeatedly reminded), I was given a lesson in the fine art of salesmanship.
"Here's the deal," she said. "I'll buy the rest of your seeds if you help me plant them."
She taught me how to plant, a skill that lives on to this day. Not everyone can become adept at sales, but nearly anyone can plant a seed.
I also learned that not all advertising can be believed - especially those aimed at 9-year olds.
Except, of course, the ads for Amazing X-Ray Specs.
Those, I found weeks later, were completely truthful.
Scott Paulsen can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3 to 7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
