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A guide to camping au natural
That time is called camping.
Outdoors season is nearly upon us. Each of the gigantic sporting goods mega stores is having a sale this week on camping and fishing gear.
Judging from the ads, they now make nearly everything you currently enjoy inside your dark basement apartment portable enough to carry into the woods. You can now buy beds, chairs, stoves, refrigerators and toilets, each built to be folded up, packed away and hauled into the middle of nowhere.
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Before you pack the minivan, please allow me to remind you of something the folks at the mega outdoor superstore are too polite to mention.
You smell.
It's not your natural body odor I'm referring to, but all that crap you splash on, spray on, rub in and have hermetically applied by a white-haired man with a European name who wears a smock. Don't think we haven't noticed that every time you walk by it's as if the postman has delivered a new stack of fashion magazines.
Before taking the trek out to Itchahoochie Crevasse, take some advice. Ditch the perfume. If you don't, nature will be waiting with a big surprise.
Bugs love perfume.
Bees dig hair gel.
For those of you who will be camping as a couple for the first time, the idea of actually spending a weekend of your life with that special someone "au natural" might seem scary. You may think of yourself as a petite flower. However, after lugging a 90-pound backpack all day, you will smell more like Martina Navratilova's shoe.
Trust me. That's perfect. Nature provided you with that odor for a variety of reasons, one of which is to keep biting and flying creatures at bay.
If your camping partner has never sniffed you in that less-than-heavenly state, perhaps a short break-in period is called for. On your next date, rather than powdering, swabbing and dousing, try letting your pits be themselves.
A predate nasal warning would be helpful.
If given advance notice, the two of you could spend some quality time together, just being rancid and offensive. You'd be surprised how much privacy this will render the two of you, even in a crowded movie theater.
If you survive one chemical-free date, you may allow yourselves the comfort of campsite fun, complete with B.O.
History and most of Eastern Europe is on your side. Millenniums of dates happened before Calvin Klein mixed patchouli with sage and a wisp of cinnamon, named it "Perplex" and sold it in bottles shaped like space ships.
Not only will you survive, you might even have fun.
Smelly fun.
But fun.
To hear Scott Paulsen's column, visit www.observer-reporter.com. He can be heard each weekday afternoon from 3-7 p.m. on 1250 ESPN Radio.
