Wary about lesbian roommate
Update: I received many texts and emails about last week’s question regarding a difficult family situation. I’m pleased to report that the young man was able to talk with his maternal grandmother.
Q.I’m starting college this fall and I’m really nervous about it. I’ll be 12 hours from home and I’m really shy. Driving that far is difficult and we don’t have money for me to fly home much. I’ll probably only be home on holidays. Recently, though, a new worry was added to the list.
I got my roommate assignment and found out that she is a lesbian. We only talked on FB. We talked about who would bring a fridge and things like that, and she didn’t bring it up but she had it listed on her page in the “about me” section. Interested in women. I’m not against this; I have two close friends that are gay and, for one of them, I was there every step of the way as he told friends and family. I know how hard it was, especially when people judged him or refused to accept him. I know there was discrimination.
I don’t want to judge or discriminate against my roommate. I know college is going to be even harder on her than it is on me. The situation is very uncomfortable for me, though. I spoke to residence life and to avoid discrimination they will not change roommates for this reason, which I certainly understand.
I guess what it comes down to for me is that I wouldn’t change in front of a guy whether he was attracted to me or not. I’m pretty private, and low cut shirts and such are just something I’ve never worn. Basically, I don’t want to discriminate or hurt my roommate’s feelings, but I’m extremely uncomfortable. Have you had experience with these situations before? What should I do?
I’m actually upset that I have to have a roommate at all. Like I said, I’m really shy. The idea of sharing space just makes me nervous. Freshman aren’t allowed to have singles, though, and are required to live on campus. I felt trapped by the setup; now I’m even more uncomfortable because of my roommate.
Do you have any advice? I don’t know where else to turn.
– 18-year-old female
Mary Jo’s response:
It’s perfectly normal to feel anxiety as well as excitement before leaving for college. You’re facing a major life change. I hear your concerns. Let’s break them down.
Let’s talk about you. Having a roommate of any type is difficult for you. Being shy isn’t wrong. Your roommate may also be nervous about meeting someone new and starting school. You were courageous enough to write to me; you are articulate and communicate well. You are also other-directed and empathetic. In other words, you’re the type of person who will consider another’s feelings. I think you’ll be able to not only adjust to change, but also dialogue about sensitive topics.
Getting to know someone requires more contact than Facebook. You really don’t know one another yet. I know talking on the phone is not your generation’s first choice – social media and texting seem to take precedence – but hearing someone’s voice can make a person human and real. Discussing shared appliances is nice; have you considered questions that might set the tone for an easier adjustment? Ideally you would both share. This discussion can wait until you meet, unless your anxiety is too high and you need to connect before school starts. Here are a few:
• Are you a morning person or a night person?
• How do you like to study?
• Do you need “lights out” to sleep?
• How important is music in the room?
• Are you a neat person?
• How do you feel about friends hanging out in the room?
• How do you feel about bringing partners to the room?
Let’s talk about sexuality. Your concern about your roommate’s sexuality is not based on bias towards LGBT individuals but on personal fear regarding privacy and safety. Your roommate’s interest in women doesn’t mean she is interested in ALL women. Just as you’re not attracted to all men, she will only be attracted to some women. Will she be attracted to you? Only an honest conversation with her will ease your mind.
Let’s talk about privacy. You would set up boundaries with any roommate. Establishing guidelines could include your concerns about dressing and undressing. Regardless of sexual orientation, a good roommate will respect your wishes. People are different. Your roommate may be shy as well, or she may be outgoing and help you meet others. You may or may not become friends, but setting a tone of mutual respect is vital to any roommate situation.
I suggest communication. Be respectful but honest. Don’t let problems accumulate. The first person who should hear about roommate concerns is your roommate.
Learning to compromise and getting along with a roommate can be a great college experience. Keep in touch. I’ll look forward to hearing from you. Listen to the wisdom of one of our peer educator alumni (who happened to have a lesbian roommate):
Peer Educator alumni:
In the situation this person is in at their college, they would have a roommate either way. And with roommates a lot of times they’ll have very different schedules, so it’s likely that they may not even be in the room at the same times. I think this person should wait till they get there and meet their roommate before they start worrying about anything. They may find that they get along very well with their roommate. Many roommates become good friends. However, if there is a legitimate personality conflict or respect issue between them, residence life will have them swap roommates. Also, when students have roommates, RAs will usually have them create contracts together about the do’s and don’ts that each of them wants to establish, and if they are broken then that’s also reason for a room swap. So, no worries based on orientation. It’s really about how compatible two people are.