Grief is different for each of us
Q. I don’t have a question, but I wondered if you’d put my email in the paper. My brother is in his first year as a Marine, and I’m really proud of him. The Fourth of July and Memorial Day suddenly mean something new to me. I just wanted to say thank you to all the men and women who protect our country. Thanks, Mary Jo!
13-year-old female
Mary Jo’s response:
Thank you for reminding us to show gratitude to those who dedicate their lives to us.
Q. How do you get over a relationship when you didn’t want it to end? I thought this was it. I thought I’d found my soul mate. I thought this was forever. Now it’s over. I know I need to move on, but I can’t seem to think about anything except how lonely I feel. My life seems dull and empty now. We were together for three years. Every plan I had was for us as a couple. We were even attending the same college. My whole self was connected to this relationship. Now what?
19-year-old, no gender given
Mary Jo’s response:
Three years is a long time. Feeling lonely and confused are normal reactions to the end of a long relationship, especially if the breakup is one-sided. In some ways you’re experiencing grief because of your loss. Your life plans have changed. You may feel powerless and frightened at the prospect of facing the future without your partner.
My father was fond of saying “this too shall pass.” He meant that everything ends – good things and not-so-good things pass. In time, this separation will hurt less; in time, you will find the strength to take a chance and start a new relationship. Please give yourself the gift of time.
Grief is different for each of us. I respect your need to grieve in your own way. I don’t understand your personal pain, but I do know that, in spite of your feelings of loneliness, you’re not really alone. You found the courage to write to me. You will find the courage to move forward.
Start small. Find peace within your family; spend time with friends who are sensitive to this huge change in your life. One of the amazing things I’ve learned from listening to people your age deals with resiliency.
Resiliency means that young people usually bounce back from adversity and grow from the experience. Take this time to discover who you are as a single person. Being part of a couple at 16 has some negative components. Adolescence is a wonderful time of life when we learn about our identities. Your teen years have been linked with another person; it’s time to think about you. Explore things that give you joy, study hard when school begins in the fall, be open to new friendships. Discovering your own identity will help you know what type of long-term partner you want. Being single can be a gift.
One of my firmest rules when listening to young people as they discuss their relationships deals with silence. I avoid negative comments about the breakup or the partner. Life can be complicated; I never know if these two people will find their way back together. Remember that words said in anger are difficult to take back. Plan to move forward without your partner as if you won’t be together again. Show self-respect. Respect your former partner. Try to avoid drama. Our reactions to the challenges in life show our true character. Live well so that you can look back on this part of your life and feel pride.
Good luck. Remember that you are a person of great worth. Sharing life with a partner is wonderful, but you are also amazing alone. Keep in touch.
Peer Educator’s response:
Many of us have been hurt by relationships. Mary Jo always says: “Sex is just body parts, relationships are challenging.” She’s right. Give yourself a chance to heal and don’t run into the next relationship that comes along.