Jul 31, 2013 5 min read

Q.I have a real bad situation. I remembered you from school. I don’t know who else to ask about this. I found out my mom is cheating on my dad. I overheard her on the phone talking with the guy. I thought maybe I misunderstood, so I put it out of my mind. Didn’t want to think about it. Then I was using her phone. I had her permission and all. And he texted her while I was on it! I can’t repeat what he texted. It’s too gross. This is real! Do I talk with her? Tell my dad? Pretend it never happened? I know the guy. He’s my dad’s friend. My parents fight all the time. I can’t ever remember them acting real happy together. I didn’t expect this, though. I feel so messed up. When they fight, my mom sometimes says that she shouldn’t have had me and my sisters. She’s usually drunk when she says that, but still. I think my dad feels the same way. If I tell my dad, everything will change. If I don’t he’s getting lied to and I know about it. I’m thinking I should tell my mom that I know? Help!

13-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response: You’re correct. This is a difficult situation. First things first. This situation was created by adults who are making their own choices. You aren’t influencing them. You aren’t responsible for your parents’ disagreements. Adults in relationships may fight. Please do not blame yourself for adult actions.

You and your sisters are not mistakes. You are a person of worth who deserves life. I’m glad you were born. You can make great choices in your life that have nothing to do with your parents’ choices.

You do have a choice about how you react to your suspicions. Please know that I believe you. I do want to caution you to be careful about jumping quickly to a judgment. What you’ve shared sounds suspicious, but you don’t know your mom’s side of the story. On the other hand, it doesn’t sound as if your mom is hiding things. Could she be ready to reveal whatever is happening?

You’ve already thought of some very real concerns. Yes, things will change if what you suspect is true. That change will not be your fault. You didn’t create this situation. Change can be scary but can also be good. I know it’s hard to consider a future that isn’t in your control. I believe things will get better in time. Please read the next question for a reaction to a similar family problem.

I’d like to talk with you again. After you agreed that I could share your question in my column, I haven’t heard from you. It’s important that you find adult support. I want to help you consider trusted adults in your extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents) who might be able to help you. Do you have a youth pastor or coach you can trust? Is there a teacher or guidance counselor you can speak with when school begins? Is there a way we can meet face to face?

I don’t want you to carry this burden alone. It would be easier to talk with either your mom or you dad if another adult was with you or gave you guidance. I would be happy to be that adult if you can’t find someone else.

I’m also concerned about your mom’s drinking. Drugs and alcohol can lower inhibitions in adults, as well as young people. When people are drunk they may say things they’d never say when sober. You and your sisters deserve a safe place to live. Your mom needs to be sober if you talk with her. You and your sisters need to be protected if you talk with either parent.

Let’s talk again soon.

Q.Remember when I was so upset because my parents were splitting up? I wanted to tell you that things are getting a lot better. Maybe it’s me that’s getting more mature, but I’m not as stressed as I was two years ago. Thanks for telling me that it would get better. It’s still hard at times. Maybe it always will be. But I know now that I can love both my parents even if they don’t love each other.

17-year-old female

Mary Jo’s response:

Thank you for taking the time to follow up with me. I paired your comment with this week’s difficult question to show that hope is a very real and important gift. Adult choices affect young people, but there are many caring adults who can help buffer tough situations. You’re not a peer educator, but your mature words serve as a great example of persevering when family problems feel overwhelming. I’m grateful for your courage. I hope things continue to improve.