Jun 21, 2013 3 min read

I just came out of a dark movie theater into the sun. That’s always a little disorienting. I went to see “Man of Steel.” I saw it on a random rainy afternoon. The yellow sun came out when I came out of the theater. Apparently, a yellow sun gives Superman all of his power. I feel kind of drained.

Now, I’m a big superhero fan, but I’ve never been a big Superman guy. I like my heroes with flaws, like the X-Men, Spider-Man or the very flawed Tony Stark in Iron Man (I, II and III). Superman has always been a bit of a bore.

He can do anything. Picture this. Imagine you’re Robin and you’re hanging out with the Super-Friends. You have to feel pretty inadequate standing next to a guy like Superman. There’s the strength, the flight, the heat vision, the X-ray vision, etc. Robin would be all, “Well, I punch, kick and jump around a lot, but my main job is to compliment Batman.” Compliment, not complement. He really hangs out and says things like, “Gee, Batman,” “Great idea!” and “Look out, it’s the Joker!” Rename him Captain Obvious.

It’s gotta be weird hanging out with a guy who could wink at you and burn you to a crisp with the one open eyeball.

That’s another thing. How does Superman get his eyes to do different things? Sometimes it’s heat vision, sometimes it’s X-ray vision and sometimes it’s just to read the newspaper. I wonder if he ever gets confused and burns Wonder Woman’s boobs because he wanted to see under her Wonder Bra? Makes you wonder.

I didn’t even mention the freeze breath. Freeze breath. He can blow on something and freeze it. I can’t even cool my soup.

I sort of fell asleep in the movie. At one point, Superman and Lois Lane have been captured by a bunch of Kryptonians. Suddenly they were running around the alien spaceship trying to get loose. Whoops. How did I doze off in a very loud action movie? Good question. Clearly, I don’t have super-hearing.

It was a fun action movie. I don’t know if it was a great Superman movie, but I don’t have that many complaints.

I do feel sad for Superman, and I will tell you why. His birth parents are kinda nuts. I don’t know why they shot their baby into space and didn’t buy a spaceship with room for the whole family. They cut corners and bought the economy rescue pod. They should have splurged for the deluxe package. Apparently, according to DC comic book legends, his aunt and uncle did the same thing, and they sent his cousin up in a similar ship. I’m sure we’ll get to her in a sequel.

You know there are going to be sequels, and I’ll be in the back row trying to come up with snarky comments for all of them.