Nov 7, 2013 3 min read

I’m standing in front of a rack at Macy’s trying to select a warm scarf. The rust one is about the right color, and I pick it up to have a closer look, only the scarf doesn’t reveal itself the way I expect it to. Pull, pull, pull and I realize I’m not holding a long expanse of knit fabric but a big loop of knit fabric.

“Eternity Scarf,” the tag says, and finally I recognize it as one of those things – the foldy, bunchy neckwear all the stylish women and teenagers are slinging over their torsos this season. You’ve seen them, riding on the shoulders like oxen yokes; the pastoral look is often rounded out with jeans tucked into a pair of tall riding boots.

So I unfurl the scarf and it is, seriously, almost as tall as I am. How many times would I have to loop this thing so the folds don’t swallow my entire torso, neck and head?

Answer: five times. Using a motion I remember from back when I actually used to eat carbs like spaghetti, I twirl the scarf into a bunch of smaller loops. I do this using only my right hand because my left is holding my purse and coat.

OK, now it’s time to sling the thing over my head.

I’ve misjudged the size of my head, and the scarf is perched like a tall, tall turban. I re-loop, settling on four larger rings. This time it clears my head and settles in a bunch around my neck. Although I’m reaching the point where I’m not all that proud about my neck and am not sad to cover it, this arrangement seems to highlight my chin, which isn’t so great these days either.

Another re-looping gets me three big rings; they clear my noggin, slide past my neck and lie snuggily onto my chest. So how does it look?

The closest mirror is over at the jewelry department. Sure, I could drag myself and belongings into the dressing room, but who wants to go in there? So, I head for the jewelry counter, which, at this moment, seems to be populated by nothing but 22-year-old models, a situation that will do nothing to help my chin or neck problem.

I wait my turn at a mirror and when I step into my reflection, I find that the scarf makes me look like I’m wearing a neck brace. Also, my left eye has been watering and there’s a mascara river on my cheek.

I’m not that worried about what the models think of me and my eternity scarf. I’ve learned that women my age are generally invisible to younger shoppers.

A young woman holding a handful of earrings is waiting for her chance at the mirror, so I step away. I put the rust eternity scarf back on the rack and select something different, a black-and-purple check that’s not eternal but comes to an end on both sides. The loopy versions are for youngsters who don’t know the first thing about tying a scarf. I, on the other hand, am a grown woman whose scarf knots are awesome.

As I head for the checkout counter, I see that same young woman is still at the mirror, holding a variety of dangly earrings up to her face. I’m telling you, they don’t do a thing for her chin.

Beth Dolinar can be reached at cootiej@aol.com.