Nov 8, 2013 3 min read

A few years ago, I was interviewing for a job. It was going very well, until the interviewer said, “If you could have any super power, what would it be?”

I wanted to say, “The ability to predict the future. That way, I’d know tomorrow’s lottery numbers and not have to show up here on Monday.”

I think I pulled the standard lame interview answer response like, “To be super organized!” I guess that made me sound like I wasn’t organized enough. I didn’t get the job.

“Thor, the Dark World” opened this weekend, and I’ve been thinking about that superhero question. I certainly wouldn’t mind looking like Chris Hemsworth. Having abs isn’t really a superpower, but I am hoping that if I did have a superpower, it would come with a flat stomach and some muscled arms. We can skip over the long, blond hippie hair.

Having Thor’s powers would be pretty awesome, especially the weather thing. Pittsburgh would be like Camelot. “July and August wouldn’t be too hot. The winter is forbidden until December, and exits March 2nd on the dot.”

Of course, if I could fly, I’d just take off for Miami and leave you guys to deal with it.

Stan Lee has dreamed up some pretty sweet superpowers. I think if I got one, I wouldn’t be fighting crime so much. I’d be figuring out how make money from it.

If you fight crime, you have to spend the bulk of your time in bad neighborhoods. That doesn’t sound like fun. Plus, crime-fighting offers few financial rewards. Spider-Man must have good dental. I’m sure his teeth have gotten kicked out more than once. I wouldn’t do it unless I knew bullets could bounce off of me. Then, there are the legal ramifications; a bullet bounces off my chest and hits someone in the forehead. Would their family sue me? I don’t need that kind of pressure.

A friend told me he would love to be able to read minds. No thank you. Think of every bad thing you have ever thought about your friends and family and imagine hearing everyone else thinking the same things about you. I love them, but I’ve wanted to kick them all down the stairs more than once.

Picture it: I’m having coffee with an old friend. In my head I hear, “Geez. I can’t concentrate because he’s got that one long nose hair coming out.”

“Here we go again. He’s told me that Clooney story a million times. I better just smile and nod.”

“Who told him he could wear horizontal stripes? He looks like a fat zebra.”

Then, there would be all the thoughts they were thinking about everything else. It would be like everyone talking at once. There wouldn’t be enough Tylenol in the world to cure that headache.

Another friend told me he wanted to move objects with his mind. That sounds lazy to me. Face it, the only reason you’d want that power is so you could pour a glass of iced tea in the kitchen while sitting on the couch in the living room. Get up and do it, lazy-bones.

I may have to stick with predicting tomorrow’s lottery numbers. I guess I need to get bitten by a radioactive fortune teller.