Nov 28, 2013 6 min read

Q.Thanksgiving is going to be so hard this year because my mom and dad split and their divorce is pretty new. I have to share time with them and I hate it. I also feel very uncomfortable with my mom’s boyfriend and his kids. They’re all older than me, and they make me feel like a loser. My dad is alone, and his apartment is depressing. I guess I just don’t feel very thankful. I feel like I should find something to be happy about, but this is how I feel. I think everyone figures I’m old enough to handle this. It sucks.

15-year-old male

Mary Jo’s response: Feelings are real. Acknowledging them is healthy. I’m glad you wrote. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your holiday is different, and you didn’t want things to change. Change is a challenge, especially when it is out of our control. It’s OK to feel frustrated, angry, disappointed and unhappy.

Let’s talk about divorce. Many research studies demonstrate young men your age experiencing strong feelings when parents divorce. Your feelings are not unusual. Young men are more likely to react to their parents’ divorce with anger, academic problems or aggressive behavior than young women. A young man your age may feel depressed if his father no longer lives at home; he may also feel less connected to his mother if she develops a new relationship with a new family. You’re experiencing all of those feelings. In time you’ll feel better, but right now your negative feelings are fresh and painful. You’re grieving the loss of your family as it once existed.

Holidays can intensify negative feelings. We often imagine a picture-perfect holiday – such events are seldom true. Holidays, like families, can be messy.

I’d like to offer you a few thoughts. Please remember your worth as a person. You are not responsible for your parents’ divorce. You have the right to love both your parents. You have the right to share your feelings with people who care for you. Have you tried talking honestly with your parents?

Can you tell your mom you feel uncomfortable? Stating your love for her but explaining your discomfort might help. Be respectful. Bullying isn’t OK, especially in families. Your mom’s boyfriend’s children may feel just as uncomfortable with the changes in their lives. An open conversation might be a great gift for everyone.

It sounds as if your dad will really enjoy your presence. He won’t be alone when you’re there. Brighten his apartment. Bring music. Eat together. You’re not responsible for his happiness, but you can remind him of his importance in your life.

Some general hints for surviving changes brought on when parents divorce:

• Show kindness: We can choose the way we react to challenges. It may sound weird, but showing kindness to both your parents may ease tension.

• Find your personal strength: Life’s challenges can help us realize we’re strong. How do you handle stress? Do you hide it until you feel as if you will explode? Do you share openly? Do you take out anger on friends or family? Do you avoid conflict? Self-awareness is a wonderful life skill. Develop your inner strengths.

• Seek support: Don’t try to handle your feelings alone. Talking with your guidance counselor or a trusted teacher will help your school realize what’s happening. Talk with grandparents. Continue talking with me. I’ve often considered starting a support group for teens dealing with divorce. Let’s talk about creating a group – you could be a peer coordinator!

• Take care of you: Eat right, exercise, keep up with school work and stay on track for your life. Stay overnight with a friend if the stress becomes too difficult. Hang out at our Teen Center.

• Set personal goals: Find out what gives you joy – friends, school, sports, gaming, writing or art. Focus on short- and long-term goals to lower stress.

• Find personal reasons for gratitude: When funding is tight with Teen Outreach, I play a mental game. I make a list of bills then link each expense to something wonderful. I’ll write “pay the mortgage,” then list “wonderful peer educators” or “great staff” to balance the stress. You’re young, you’re alive and you’re a person of great worth.

Let’s connect during holiday break. I’m thankful you’re here.

Peer educator response: The first holiday after my parents’ divorce was horrible, but it does get better. Hanging out with my friends really helped. In my case, my mom was alone and it was so sad to see her. She’d cry and I’d leave feeling miserable. I figured out that I couldn’t make her happy because that wasn’t my job. I went to counseling and that helped. Good luck, dude. You’ll be OK.

Our peer educators offer thanks every year. I’d like to share two statements and express my gratitude for each peer educator.

Serena Green: I am thankful for all the people who have helped me flourish and grow this year. I am thankful for the gifts of music, knowledge and passion, and for the wonders of the world. I am thankful for my imagination and the ability to see all types of people, places and things as being entirely equal and wondrous.

Amanda Campbell: I am thankful for love and my ability to love every living thing equally and unconditionally. I am thankful for literacy, knowledge and the spread thereof. I am thankful to be able to have what is needed to survive, and that these items can be spread ubiquitously. I am thankful for every living creature, especially my immediate family (including my pets) and my closest friends. I am thankful for my education, for books to read and to be writing a metaphysical book. I am thankful for the soul and other things that guide my intuition and daily life. I am ever so thankful for Mary Jo in so many ways.