Oct 18, 2013 3 min read

I went to Phantom Fright Nights at Kennywood Park last weekend. I don’t know why. I am not good with things that jump out at me. I’ve always been a little nervous. As a kid when playing hide-and-go-seek, whenever anyone got close, I used to jump up and announce, “I’m over here!” I don’t know why walking around in the dark and having people jump out at you is fun, but it kinda is. I had a blast. Plus, there were all the regular rides. When we got there, however, the park was mobbed with people. If I have any fears, one of them is agoraphobia. The huddled masses huddled around me. It was truly terrifying.

Fear is a lucrative business. We have the Scare House, Phantom Fright Nights, Haunted Hay Rides and more. There’s a lot of stuff going bump in the night for a buck.

Halloween is great for some cheap thrills, and some not-so-cheap thrills. I don’t know why I want to be chased around by an ax murderer. Maybe because at the park, at Scare House and the rest, I know I’m going to get away. I’m guessing my poor hide-and-seek skills would kick in if I was ever chased by a real murderer. I’d jump out and say, “I’m over here!” And those would be the words everyone would be quoting at my funeral. “No. The killer was about to move on to other sections of the house, but he jumped out from under the kitchen sink and yelled, ‘I’m over here.’ Maybe he just should have painted a target on his shirt instead of hiding.”

I heard that the park employees who are dressed up in creepy costumes are being paid $10 an hour. That’s not a bad gig for extra money. I don’t know if I could jump out and scare people. I’d be all, “Boo and stuff.”

Is there a job where I can jump out and make people laugh? I’d be all over that.

In retrospect, it seems stupid to go to these fright festivals, when I had a few real scares this week. The saga of my tooth continues. My dentist told me he has to redo the root canal in my front tooth. He’s afraid of leakage; bacteria seeping into a small gap I have. He’s not the only one afraid. I’m horrified.

Later last week, I got a bill in the mail from the IRS. A few years ago, I forgot to carry a one on my taxes, and now I owe them a big sum of money. Apparently, the part of the government that collects the money is still working. Now that’s frightening.

I guess, after all of that, I would rather have teenagers leaping out and scaring me than facing my current predicaments. I’d rather face a horde of zombies than go back in that dental chair, and I’d fight off Dracula, Frankenstein and the Mummy over calling the IRS.

Real life is terrifying. That’s why we need to scream at ghosts and goblins every once in a while.