Pregnancy raises complex questions
Q.I need help because I’m a mess. I’m having a baby in a month or a little bit more. My boyfriend was with me for two years and said he loved me, but when I told him I was pregnant he said “Who’s the dad?” and left me. He was rude and said a lot of very mean things. He was my first and my only. I felt like my heart was broken into pieces. I loved him so much. My dad hurt me sexually when I was a little kid and then he left, so this was the first man who ever treated me OK. Then when I told my mom I was pregnant she kicked me out, so I lived with friends for about a month and then I was pretty much homeless, and then I met my new boyfriend. He doesn’t mind that I’m pregnant and the baby isn’t his baby. He takes such good care of me and makes sure I have enough to eat and that I go to the doctors and that I sleep OK and that the baby will have a safe place to live. He works. I do, too. I got a job and I’m working every day. So when I’ve finally found something good in my life and I’m getting happy, guess who shows up? Yeah. My old boyfriend. He said he wants custody of the baby. All of a sudden out of nowhere. Can I put my new boyfriend’s name on the birth certificate and pretend the baby is his? He wants me to do that. No way do I trust my old boyfriend, even if he is the baby’s father.
19-year-old female
Mary Jo’s response:
First and most important – you are a person of worth. You weren’t responsible for your dad’s behavior. It wasn’t your fault. Have you ever seen a counselor? I recommend making an appointment with one to process your childhood. If you ever want to talk, I’ll listen.
I think there are two aspects to your current situation: a legal question and a relationship challenge.
I’m not an attorney, nor do I have experience with legal issues. I strongly recommend you seek legal advice. Custody is complicated, and you need information based on your situation.
If you can afford an attorney, please select one. The Washington County Bar Association is available at http://www.washcobar.org/. If you meet federal income guidelines to qualify for free legal assistance, call Southwestern PA Legal Services at 724-225-6170 or its hotline at 1-888-855-3873. For information about statewide free legal assistance programs, check online at www.palegalservices.org or www.palawhelp.org. Please honor your baby, yourself and your new boyfriend by seeking expert advice. I did some research surrounding Pennsylvania law and birth certificates.
I’ve been told individual states determine laws about naming fathers (paternity). According to palawhelp.org, an unmarried woman may not put a man’s name on a birth certificate without his signature and permission. If your ex-boyfriend wants to be involved in your baby’s life, however, he can request a paternity test. If necessary, the courts will determine how much contact he has with your child.
Ethically, I hope you do the right thing. You are your child’s first teacher, primary role model and best mentor. Honesty may be difficult, but I believe it will be best over time.
Your relationship challenges are complicated. Your ex-boyfriend was someone you trusted for two years. I can’t imagine how much his reaction to your pregnancy hurt you; feelings of anger, mistrust, loss and isolation are all normal. It’s very possible you trusted your first boyfriend so deeply because of your dad’s abuse. Please know that you are worthy of a partner who respects and treasures you.
I’m sure your mom’s reaction to your pregnancy was also painful. Yet your ex is the father of your baby and your mom is the baby’s grandmother. It’s possible that both will treat your baby well. I honor your desire to protect your little one. I won’t tell you how to react if your ex or your mom seek contact after the baby’s birth. Only you can search your feelings. Are you able to forgive? In time you may change. Give yourself time.
Your new boyfriend seems mature, caring and supportive. I’m glad. You deserve joy and peace. I’m happy you’re taking responsibility and working. I don’t believe your age hinders your parenting – you will make choices about how to raise your baby every single day, just like an older mother. If you’d like to meet to discuss parenting styles, I’m available without cost.
Your age may mean you need to wait to attend further schooling; in time you should seek education if you wish. Please don’t give up on yourself. Be confident – you are brave and resilient and can make a good life for your baby. Education can open doors.
Finally, please remember the individual who loves, cares for and parents a child does not need to be related to a child by biology. Family is often the group we create. Your new boyfriend will be the baby’s dad when he takes on the father role. Once you determine your legal rights, I think you’ll feel more at ease.
May your birth be easy, your baby healthy and your relationships with others joyful, honest and based on trust. Good luck.
Peer Educators’ responses:
If a man does everything to take care of you and your unborn baby and it isn’t his, he is a wonderful person. Most of us feel that your ex shouldn’t have custody. Your baby will be better off in your and your new boyfriend’s care. We don’t think that you should refuse the biological father all rights, though. Trust was broken, and he needs to earn it back. We wish you the very best of luck, and you’re in our thoughts and prayers. Some of us were adopted, and we know that it doesn’t matter if parents are biologically related to a child. As long as the baby is loved and cared for, it’s OK. Your baby deserves a good father. Your ex has a lot to prove if he hopes to win back your trust. Be careful. Do what you believe to be best, and weigh each heart on its own.