Dec 3, 2014 6 min read

Q.Can I ask you for some advice? I did something I know was wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. One of my friends told another friend a secret. I saw them whispering, and then I know my friend got a text message about it because she wouldn’t share it with me, which made me mad. So, I pushed and pushed, and finally she did show me. So, only three of us knew this secret. I promised not to tell. Keeping this secret made me think about it all the time. I knew I shouldn’t tell anyone else, but about a week later I was with another friend who I really trust. I thought he wouldn’t tell, so I shared the secret and swore him to secrecy. Then he told a bunch of other people. When my friend found out people knew what she told me, she asked if I told. And I lied. I was kind of thinking that at least I kept the secret for a week, you know? Then every time I looked at my friend I felt guilty because I told the secret, and even worse because I lied to her face. After a few days of this, I caved and admitted I told her secret and lied to her. Now, she’s really mad. I don’t blame her. How can I fix this? I said I’m sorry, but I don’t know if sorry is enough.

13-year-old

Mary Jo’s response: Saying “I’m sorry” is always a start; show your apology by your actions. It may help to be very open with your friend. Share that you know lying was wrong, tell her you want to win back her trust, and ask her how you can do so. Be humble. Be kind. This isn’t about you. Try to avoid drama. Strong friendships can withstand challenges like this one. Time really can heal if everyone involved wants things to improve.

I think your honesty was refreshing. Admitting mistakes is tough.

Life often teaches us painful lessons. Sadly, this experience is not rare. The desire to share a secret is pretty common. If you know keeping a confidence is tough for you, try respecting privacy. In this situation, not knowing may be a gift. You don’t need to be the center of drama.

I know a few adults who haven’t learned this difficult lesson. A word of caution: If a friend says, “I was told not to share this, but I trust you,” and then proceeds to break a confidence, remember that behavior. Such an individual may break your trust in the future. Your other friend shared your confidence to him. If you’re seeking forgiveness for your actions, do you think it is ethical to forgive him?

I hope things calm down. Concentrate on school and preparing for the holidays. Practice acts of kindness. Listen sincerely. Give the gift of your presence. As my papa was fond of saying, this too shall pass.

Peer Educator response: Our first impulse was to tell you how wrong you were, but you already know that. Some of us are 18, and this kind of drama happened to us when we were in middle school. Sometimes it still happens. We think you should forgive the friend who violated your trust and hope for forgiveness for your own behavior. Good luck. If your friends get past this, your friendships will be stronger.

Question 2

I know this guy who is such a gossip. It’s like he breaks the stereotype that girls spread rumors. If you want something to be all through school, you just need to tell this guy. He rides my bus and we’re not really friends, but everyone pretty much knows he’ll share anything you tell him, even if you say it’s not to be shared. I played a dirty trick on him. I made up something about a teacher and told this guy. It was pretty mean, and I feel lousy about it. It also wasn’t true. Just like I thought, everybody knows about this now. How can I take back my words? I don’t like this teacher and that makes me feel worse. I started something that got big. I told myself it wasn’t my fault because this guy who’s a gossip spread the rumor, but I’m starting to realize that I’m lying to myself. It is my fault, isn’t it? How can I make this right?

15-year-old

Mary Jo’s response

Yes, the rumor was your fault. Sadly, taking back your words isn’t an option. You can, however, try to undo the damage those words caused. Start by apologizing to this young man. Ask him to help you spread the truth. Does the teacher know about this rumor? You owe the teacher an apology, as well.

Words matter. They have the ability to honor, respect and nurture another person. Words can also damage reputations, cause emotional pain and label others negatively. Learn from this experience and consider your words before they’re released. Good luck.

Peer Educator response

Not cool. Not liking a teacher doesn’t give you the right to spread lies about him or her. You’re going to look bad, but you owe people the truth. Take a deep breath and own up to this mess.

Youth Champions

A sincere thank you to the young people who facilitated at our AIDS Awareness Day, especially to Spencer Bryner, Sasha Edwards, Alex Franco, Robert Milhoan, Tam Okorn, Matthew Pagan, Anna Phalen, Sarah Piecknick, Angus Pinkerton, Gavin Salivar, Daniel Shaffer and Mariah Taylor. Exploring tough issues is part of being an educator; facilitating small groups makes it easier for others to express their thoughts. I’m proud of you. Important facts: Over 1 million people are living with HIV/AIDS in the U.S. One in six of those individuals do not know they are infected. About one in four new HIV infections occurs among people ages 13 to 24.

The Common Ground Teen Center’s second annual Arts Day will be from 5 to 7 p.m. Monday at the center (53 N. College St. in Washington). The public is invited to view our teens’ artwork and hear their spoken word presentations.

Our Peer Educator theme this year is Smash the Stereotypes. We will host a Conversation about Race at our next meeting from 5 to 7 p.m. Wednesday. All young people are invited. Peer Educator meetings are held at the Common Ground Teen Center.