Common scents gifts for Christmas
Now that the Christmas shopping season is in full swing, I’m going to skip my usual yuletide tradition of complaining about how early the season begins. Instead, I’ll skip right to my annual yuletide tradition of recommending stupid gifts.
Before I start, though, let me renew my annual Halloween tradition of complaining about Halloween.
On Oct. 28, The Wall Street Journal ran an article listing several creative ways to keep your kids from eating too much Halloween candy. Among the suggestions offered was to hand out “healthy alternative” treats such as apples, pretzels or small toys. Another suggestion came from a Richmond, Va., mother: “Let them eat until they induce a sugar coma the first day, then remove it from sight and hope they feel too sick to want any more.”
I like this suggestion because it requires absolutely no action on the part of the adult. But as a practical lesson, it’s a little like an NRA member letting his son shoot himself in the foot to teach him gun safety.
By far my favorite suggestion for Halloween came from a Brooklyn, N.Y., mother, who tells her children the “Halloween Fairy” will appear after they go to bed on Halloween, take all but five pieces of the candy they collected and replace it with a toy. The WSJ includes a snazzy graphic illustrating the “Switch Witch” and encouraging parents to “lie colorfully. Try taking older children to a toy store before Halloween to whet their appetites.” This action contains two valuable lessons for kids: It’s OK to lie to your children, and rampant consumerism is what makes America great.
I favor the Fox News approach: Tell them ISIS stole their candy and sold it on Ebay to finance jihad. If that doesn’t work, there’s this: You’re roughly 3 feet taller than they are, for Pete’s sake. Pin them to the floor and wrestle away that pillowcase filled with peanut butter cups. Then lock it in the gun safe.
Whew! I complained so much about Halloween I almost forgot to recommend stupid Christmas gifts. Luckily, I’ve already found a winner for men: Mandles. That’s right, candles for men. Because no man will admit he likes pumpkin spice.
According to the blurb on the website of the Mandle Co., “No matter how strange it may be, every man has a favorite smell.”
The company’s fragrances include Wild West (“A blend of whiskey, leather and spittoon has a rustic manly scent that any bachelor would be proud to have in their home.”); Auto Shop (“Who wants to go back to high school auto shop with the tangy smell of grease, oil and gasoline?”) and, my favorite, Stripper’s Mouth (“Who needs fresh breath more than a stripper? Smells like sucking on a peppermint just before the lap dance.”)
So this Christmas, buy your man The Slab (“This candle smells just like a delicious slab of fried bacon!”) or Gunpowder (“Perfect for those who love shootin’ skeet, trap, black powder or any other firearm weapon.”).
Women secure in themselves might buy him Swimsuit Model (“Fresh off the cover of the latest issue. We have canned the scent of freshly oiled swimsuit model; this may be as close as you ever get to having the real thing right in your own home.”)
Normally, I don’t endorse reinforcing gender stereotypes, but if it’s good for the ‘Murican economy …
And, ladies, if he spends a little too much time in his man cave with Swimsuit Model, you can always binge on the Halloween candy you stole from your kids.