Terror, fear and mayhem with popcorn included
I hadn’t been to the movies in a while. I should have continued my streak. Let’s just say I was talked into going to the movies. I went to see “Ouija.” It’s a story about an evil Ouija board. For the record, there are no movies about good Ouija boards.
I don’t like horror films. I’m not knocking people who love them. It’s just not my thing. I am very skittish. I’ve been known to jump when the phone rings. I’ve flown upward at the beep of the microwave. I find the doorbell terrifying. To be fair, that doorbell thing has more to do with my fear of buying Thin Mints and Tagalongs.
In grade school, I was standing at the pencil sharpener when this kid, Danny, tapped me on the shoulder. I grabbed his arm, spun around and judo tossed him over my back. Flattened and splayed on the ground, he muttered, “I just wanted you to pass Elmer’s glue.”
I suggest that you don’t sneak up on me.
But it seems to be the season for thrills and scares. I guess I was trying to extend my Halloween a few weeks past its expiration date.
There I was sitting in the dark watching the gruesome actions of a demonically possessed spirit trying to kill teenagers. They always go after the teenagers. I don’t know why serial killers and monsters hate teenagers so much. Maybe the monsters are reading the teens’ Facebook pages. A few more status updates about Taylor Swift’s new album and I might take a few out myself.
I sat in the middle of the theater, terrified. I knew what was coming, but I still jumped and shrieked.
If you plan to see “Ouija,” I’m about to drop a spoiler. Though, if you’ve ever seen any horror movie ever, you can probably guess the end.
In the last act of the movie, Laine (Olivia Cooke) sits on her bed contemplating the loss of just about everyone she knows; her best friends, her boyfriend, her best friend’s boyfriend, etc., and her sister comes up to her and says, “Are you OK?”
She nods “yeah.”
For the record, I would not be OK. I would be so far from OK. I’d be over here, and OK would be miles and miles away. She lost more friends than Jessica Fletcher did in an entire season of “Murder, She Wrote,” and she didn’t even see a grief counselor.
Another spoiler: They left the thing open-ended, which means they will probably make “Ouija II.” I suggest the subtitle should be: “Let’s kill everyone who survived the first one.”
I thought the whole thing was rather stupid, but it still didn’t stop me from checking under the bed when I got home. No murderers. I did find some sweaters I put away in May. Also, I found dust bunnies the size of small tumbleweeds. I’ve really got to check under there more often.