Nov 21, 2014 3 min read

My friend Wendy believes that the earlier Christmas season begins, the earlier winter begins. Her theory is holding true. Let’s blame the people who put up their decorations for this latest Arctic blast. Come on, you secretly want to smack that friend who announces, “I’m done with my Christmas shopping,” especially the ones who make their proclamation in mid-August.

I was just about to string my neighbor up by his Christmas lights when I learned about the Omega Block. It sounds like a sci-fi movie I saw on the “Late, Late Show,” back when they had a “Late, Late Show.” I am pretty sure Charlton Heston played a weatherman who predicted the Polar Vortex. Either that, or he was the last man on Earth or something. I’m not completely sure. I was really young and it was on really, really late.

Many of you may ask, “What the heck is the Omega Block?” The rest of you might be asking, “Why am I reading this?” I may not know the answer to the latter question, but I might be able to handle the former.

Here’s the Miller’s Analogy Test: “Orange is the New Black” as the Omega Block is the new Polar Vortex.

Last year, we were blaming the Polar Vortex. This year, we’re blaming the Omega Block. Apparently, they are different weather phenomena that have the same effect. Either way, I’ve got bright red earlobes and frozen fingertips.

Now, you’re asking, “So, why the change, guy-who-isn’t-a-meteorologist?”

According to the guys and gals at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, “A jet stream that looks like the Greek letter Omega may be to blame for the cold weather this early.” I hope that simplifies things. It’s all Greek to me. Those of you not currently in a fraternity or sorority might not remember the shape of this particular letter. Here’s a helpful hint: It sorta looks like a horseshoe.

I am not enjoying the Omega Block, the Polar Vortex, or whatever the heck it is. Some people will tell you it is just the way Pittsburgh is – 70 degrees one day, 20 the next. In my car, I have a thin hoodie, a thicker hoodie and a fleece, for the many faces of fall.

There is a rumor that the temperature will go back up Monday. I’m all for it. I am not a fan of seeing my breath. I have a hat, gloves, a scarf, a winter coat and long underwear (with clothing beneath and above where appropriate), and I am still cold. My glasses are fogging up from the scarf, and I can only see a few inches in front of me. My cheeks are candy-apple red, and I may get mistaken for a clean-shaven Santa Claus.

I have written a poem for the occasion: “Let’s do this thing in one verse. It’s November and there’s snow. Though it’s true it could be worse, we could be living in Buff-a-lo.”

I still prefer Wendy’s theory. If you guys can hold off shopping till Black Friday, we might get out of this alive.