Questions from the ‘Me Too’ program
Today’s column is unique. I typically write my columns a week in advance, using questions from the thousands young people ask me. I discarded the column I’d prepared this week to share questions I’ve responded to about a topic that is dear to my heart. I’m currently in New Orleans presenting at the National Arc Convention. The program I’m presenting is entitled “Me Too: Real Talk about Sexuality for People of ALL Abilities.” I created “Me Too” as a train-the-trainer program with Christy Lewis from our local Arc. Our efforts are supported by a grant from the FISA Foundation. I’m so honored and humbled to provide the message that all people are people of worth and are sexual beings. The questions I’m receiving from self-advocates (individuals of differing abilities) are powerful. Here are two from those fine individuals and one from a parent.
Q.I’m 42 years old. I live in a group home. My mom is wonderful. But I’ve finally fallen in love. My mom said I can’t get married because of the way I am. She said I don’t know what being in love is. I think she’s wrong. My boyfriend lives in the same home as me. We go to the movies and to dinner. We laugh. We like to cook together. We have a garden together. We both go to work. We go to church together. We listen to each other. We like to hold one another. We kiss and more. We care about each other. We’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for three years. We want to be married. Our group home staff agrees. Our pastor agrees. It’s just my mom. What do you think? How can I convince her?
Mary Jo’s response: After meeting you, I think you are a very confident person. I think you know what you feel. Falling in love is difficult to explain in words. Not all people understand the feeling of love, but you seem to know what it is. The relationship you describe certainly sounds healthy. You share many things with your boyfriend. Three years is enough time to know someone. I agree. It sounds as if marriage is your next step.
Your mom has been responsible for your health and happiness for a long time. It may be tough for her to see you as an adult. Her love for you is good. She wants the best for you. She may be afraid. Marriage is an adult commitment. She may think you will be hurt if your relationship doesn’t work out. It’s possible for any relationship to fail. Getting married is an act of faith. You are showing faith in each other, faith in yourselves, faith in God and faith in the future.
I suggest talking with your mom. Ask one of the staff at your home to help you. Before you talk with your mom, pretend one of your trusted staff is your mom. Pretend to have a conversation with her. That’s called role playing. Remember when we did that in my workshop? You were really good at role playing. Try to sort out your thoughts by pretending and role playing with someone on your group home team, then talk with your mom. Tell her how much you love her. Share that you think she’s wonderful. Tell her the things about your boyfriend that you shared with me.
After my workshop we also talked about sex. It’s sometimes difficult to talk about sex with parents, no matter how old we are! Seeing your child become an adult who is interested in another person sexually can be scary for some parents. Telling your mom you’re a sexual person may be very tough. If you don’t want to be that honest, it’s OK.
You’re an adult who can make her own choices. I hope your mom understands and supports you. You are able to get married without her saying “yes,” but I know having her at your wedding will mean a great deal to you. I hope she begins to see life through your eyes. I wish you much happiness.
Q.
I live with my parents. I’m in my 30s. They won’t let me be alone with my computer. I have to go on the computer in the living room just like when I was a teenager. I don’t think that’s fair. What do you think?
Mary Jo’s response:
I think your parents are worried you may be hurt by someone you meet online. Not everyone is kind and good. On the other hand, you are an adult. I believe you should have some private time with your computer.
Have you told your parents you will not meet anyone you talk with online? Do you drive? Are they always with you when you leave the house? If they are, then they can protect you.
Talking with people online can be emotional. Your parents may also be trying to protect you from drama. Again, try talking with them. Show them you can deal with online friendships.
I also believe you should have privacy, with or without your computer. You are a person of worth. You are no longer a child. Good luck. You may text me if you wish.
Q.
I listened to your presentation, and it made me think. I’m a parent of a 27-year-old son who has an intellectual disability. I know he no longer has the body of a child. I thought I understood that, but until your workshop it never occurred to me that I was treating him like a child. I heard what you said. I plan to move forward and treat him like an adult who is probably interested in sex. Part of me has always known I should do that, but I’ve felt lost and confused. I feel better now. He’s not really a kid, is he?
Mary Jo’s response:
Thank you so much for the validation. I can only imagine how much courage it took to write your note and put it in my curiousity box. Your son still needs you. He has thrived and grown because of you. He is a fine young man. I watched you interact, and I found myself wishing all young people had open, caring parents like you. I think you’re on the right path. Simply be open to his needs. Let him lead you. No, he’s not a kid, he’s an adult with adult wishes. He is still your child. I encourage you to continue parenting him with the same love and devotion. He is no different than he was before you began to see him as a sexual person. You have my cell number – let’s keep in touch.