Tired of being unattached
Q.Why don’t I have a boyfriend? I’m not ugly, but I’m not all beautiful and sexy either. I think I have a nice personality, and I try to be interested in other people, not just in myself. All my friends have someone. I’m sick of being single. What’s wrong with me?
15-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: My heart hurt when I read your text. Accepting who we are is tough in adolescence; some people never are able to see their own worth. Please know your beauty and importance are very real. You are a unique, magnificent creation, and no other person exactly like you will ever exist. There is nothing wrong with you.
Being single in high school has become challenging for many young people. Please believe me – you have time to be with a partner. Waiting can be difficult. You said something really important: You try to be interested in other people, not just in yourself. The key to finding and honoring our own self-worth is often linked with the way we live our lives. Befriend other teens who seem lonely, volunteer at your church/synagogue or at a nonprofit. Help your family, spend time with grandparents or older adults. They, too, may feel alone.
I highly recommend you join one of our youth groups. The easiest way to get involved is attending the Common Ground Teen Center, 53 N. College St., Washington. The center is for 14- to 18-year-olds and is open from 3 to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday. One of our best programs is Peer Education. You’d meet quality young people who are accepting, kind and welcoming. Listen to their words below. Their responses to your question reinforced my faith in them. Please continue to connect with me. You are a person of great worth.
Peer Educator response: There is such a thing as being perfectly single and perfectly happy. If now isn’t the right time to be in a relationship, then just focus on you instead of trying to find someone who doesn’t want to be found. We know it can be tough seeing a cute relationship and wondering why you don’t have the same happiness. Many of us have experienced this! Maybe you’re looking in all the wrong places. Are the people you’re interested in already in a relationship? Have you asked anyone to do anything fun with you? Don’t date anyone just to prevent yourself from being single. Just give it time. If you’re a kind and caring person, you’ll be golden. Also remember, if you feel beautiful, inside and out, you won’t need someone else’s confirmation of your beauty.
Q.My parents don’t like my girlfriend because she was depressed a few years ago and spent a week in a psychiatric hospital. I don’t see why that’s a problem. Why should she be judged based on something she couldn’t control? She’s OK now. What do you think?
17-year-old
Mary Jo’s response: I think you’re encountering a common prejudice in our culture. We seldom judge a person who’s survived a broken bone; an individual dealing with mental health issues is too often labeled. I also admire your ability to see your girlfriend as she is now.
A conversation with your parents about their feelings regarding mental health might help. Do they have a reason for their mistrust? Listen to them with respect. Your honest affirmation of your girlfriend’s worth in your life and your reassurance of her current health might ease their bias toward her, but many people are not flexible on this topic. Are there other adults in your family who may be more open-minded? A grandparent ally could ease tension.
Continue to support your girlfriend’s worth. You cannot control your parents’ attitudes, but you can show her how much her past doesn’t affect your feelings toward her.
Once again, I was very impressed by our peer educators’ wisdom. I hope their words help. I’ll be happy to talk with your parents if they’re willing.
Peer Educator response: There’s nothing wrong with getting help for mental health, but we’re not surprised by your parents. Some of us have been in similar situations where parents didn’t like friends due to depression. We agree your girlfriend should not be judged based on her past. We all go through tough times, and we handle our tough times differently. Try talking with your parents. They may be afraid her depression is “contagious” and you’re going to get dragged into a bad situation. Parents are tricky people. Protecting us can make them difficult. Try explaining that she’s a different person now and is worthy of love, just like everyone else. She’s become a better person and should be respected.
Special thanks to our outstanding peer educators Alivia, Elizabeth, Maci, Siarra and Xandor for their thoughtful insights and wisdom this week.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmj@healthyteens.com.