The right time to talk about sex
Q.I’m leaving for college. My younger brother is entering sixth grade. I think he’s ready for information on sex, but my mom says he’s too young. I really, really disagree. I’m almost 19, so I was his age a while ago, yet I needed questions answered then. I think being a sixth-grader is tougher now than it was when I was a kid. You taught me sex ed, and I learned a ton of important stuff. Do you think I’m right? How old should a child be when they learn about sex? Also, what do you think they should be taught first?
Mary Jo’s response: Yes, I think you’re right. A child entering sixth grade is more than ready for information on sexual health. I have empathy for your mom’s position, though, and she’s not alone. Most American parents are reluctant to talk about sex with their children; the topic is often awkward in our culture. One study showed more than 40 percent of American teens had sex before talking with their parents about sexuality.
A recent John Oliver clip on sex education revealed a sad truth: most American schools aren’t teaching quality sex ed. Learning about sex from the Internet or one another can lead to misinformation. Parents can provide values and adult guidance. Parents matter. I encourage adult/youth conversations about sex.
A child’s age when this conversation begins is determined by the child’s needs and maturity, not a number. I recommend a lifelong dialogue, not a one-time “sex talk.” When we label body parts with actual names, when we model healthy relationships, and when we use teachable moments in everyday life, we are providing vital information about sexual health. Parents are their children’s first teachers. Open the door to conversation early and keep it going.
Here are some ideas:
• Use the world: TV, the news, music and movies provide teachable moments daily. Even if children are protected from information at home, they’re easily exposed to sexually charged topics if they have access to an iPad, computer or cellphone. The school bus and lunch room are Sex Ed 101. Teach from what’s happening around us.
• Respond to questions: The children I teach are hungry for adult answers. Knowledge doesn’t lead to experience. Less is more. Give small bites of information. Don’t lecture or talk down to a child. If children don’t ask questions, don’t assume they’re not curious. Bring up topics casually and respond to the child’s needs.
• Teach consent: Children need to know their bodies belong to them. Model what consent means. If a child says “no” to tickling or other teasing behavior, honor the request and stop.
• Be nonjudgmental: Articulate the obvious. Say, “There’s nothing you can’t ask me, there’s no topic we can’t discuss. If you hear a joke at school and you don’t understand it, come to me. I’ll explain and I won’t be angry.” It’s OK to share if you feel awkward – children understand.
• Be open to difference: Not all children fit into the gender assigned at their births; not all children are heterosexual. Gift children with unconditional love and acceptance.
•Seek resources: Several of my friends and colleagues have excellent books on the subject. Deborah Ruffman’s “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Child’s ‘Go To’ Person about Sex,” and Dr. Karen Rayne’s “Breaking the Hush Factor: Ten Rules for Talking with Teenagers about Sex” are wonderful. I started teaching parent/youth classes entitled “What’s Up as You Grow Up?” in 1984. My travel schedule has made teaching the program challenging in the last year, but I plan to teach it again. Parents can call the Teen Outreach office at 724-222-2311 to register.
Peer Educator responses
Sasha Edwards: In my opinion, it is wise to have a preliminary discussion about sex and sexuality by the time a child is 8 or 9. I think it’s important to explain body parts and their functions, but more important, they need to know that their body is their own and that the only person in charge of it is them.
Jonathan Florian: I don’t believe there is one definitive age at which a child should learn about sex. A parent should objectively determine whether or not their child is mentally mature to both understand the concept and the consequences of sexual activity. However, a parent should also be aware that outside influences can raise a child’s curiosity, and, as such, educate their child abut sex themselves before the child develops preconceived notions of sex. I believe that, when first learning about sex, a child should understand the foundations of sexual activity, the truths/lies behind how sex is portrayed in social media, and the consequences of failing to adhere to safe sexual practices.
Koron Harris: In my opinion children should be told about sex openly, progressively, getting more descriptive as the child’s age increases. It’s important to educate so children know what’s up and can be more responsible with/about the subject.
Toni Maurer: Personally, I feel you should begin teaching a child sexual education once they are ready to learn it and are capable of understanding. I feel they should learn body parts first. How babies are made should be given in more detail gradually as the child matures. If a child asks a question, you should answer it in a way possible for them to understand. I wish I had known anything and everything about all of the above before I hit junior high. I never felt comfortable talking to anyone about sex … of course, except for Mary Jo.
Gavin Saldivar: I think it depends on the maturity level of the child. However, it would be highly irresponsible for a parent to not answer questions on the subject when asked by their children.
Jocelyn Stein: Children should start learning about sex as soon as they have a concern about it, but they should also know their boundaries and other people’s boundaries until they’re older.
Shelby Studt: A child should be taught about sex around 12 to 13 years. Important topics are what sex is, how to be safe, and consent.
Anonymous: I think starting young is good (depending on maturity). I think children should know their body parts and how babies are made before middle school. I believe when a child is ready to know they will begin asking, and middle school is a great age to give them the right answers. I think they should also know about risks (STIs, pregnancy). As a teen, I prefer to talk to Mary Jo and my health teacher at school.