Mom anxious about school
Q.I’m a parent of three. This is the first year they’ll all be in school. I don’t know what’s stressing me more – the idea of my baby going to kindergarten or the fact that my oldest daughter is 14 and going to high school. In between is a middle school sixth-grader which is also causing me anxiety. I know you answer adult questions as well as teen ones. I have two. How do I ease my own anxiety about the school year? I feel like summer is so much more relaxing. No homework, no running around, no nagging. My second question deals with my kids. How do I encourage my children without being on them all the time? My parents never pushed me to learn so my grades were never all that good. I couldn’t get into the college I wanted so I settled for one I didn’t like. I only finished two semesters. I look at my kids and think that I won’t let that happen to them. I fear losing touch with the older ones. How can I stay connected?
– An anxious parent
Mary Jo’s response: When I receive an email like yours I find myself counting my blessings. If all parents were as concerned about their children’s welfare our Teen Outreach would have fewer troubled young people to support.
Your anxiety is pretty common. It felt like my heart went to school when my children went to kindergarten and middle/high school first weeks are often stressful for parents (and young people). You’re in a vulnerable place. Vulnerability isn’t bad. I think loving others makes us vulnerable; when we care deeply we ultimately open ourselves to growth and joy.
I also feel as if your fears for your children are rooted in your own sense of failure. Your children aren’t you. They will make their own choices and their own mistakes. Failing is often how we learn. I’m sure it’s a challenge, but try not to project your life onto theirs.
Your two college semesters weren’t the end of your education. You’re learning every day. Formal education isn’t out of reach. Lifelong learning is possible. I didn’t finish my doctorate until I was in my 50s. Please don’t close this door – you can still complete college if it’s important to you. If you follow your personal dream of completing your degree, you model the importance of education. Actions speak louder than words. If you don’t have the means or the time to enroll in formal schooling, model learning in other ways. Take your children to the library. Let them see you read a newspaper. Discuss current events with them. Stay informed and let them observe your passion for learning.
Here are a few ideas:
• Find support: You’re not the only parent facing this situation. Ask friends to go to breakfast the first day of school or invite a few parents to your home for coffee. You reached out to me – extend your reach to include other parents.
• Talk with (not at) your children: Share your dreams for their success. Reference the start of school with joy. I tell my Washington & Jefferson College students they each begin class with an A; their job is to maintain it and my job is to give them the tools to do so. A new school year is a fresh start. You are partners with your children’s teachers and school. Begin positively, assuring each of your children of your confidence in their abilities.
• Listen to your children: Ask them their definitions of success. Your little ones are at different developmental stages so their responses will vary. They’re also unique people. Ideally spend a little time alone with each of them. Time is a great gift. Take each one on a “date” and give each child your undivided attention.
• Set goals together: Short-term and long-term goals are important. A short-term goal for your kindergarten student may include learning to read. Involve yourself in learning activities – make them fun. Your middle school and high school students face new adjustments. Setting short-term goals with them will help you communicate. The dreaded question, “How was school today?” often results in “Fine” or another monosyllabic response. Try easing into conversation by using open-ended questions like, “Anything weird happen in your schedule?” or “Do you know anyone in your lunch period?”
• Find a fun way to share: The young people at our Teen Center love “high point, low point.”.This activity is also called “Roses and Thorns.” Each person shares one positive thing about the day and one negative. It’s a great conversation starter at dinner. Try not to pry – offer the chance to “pass” and not share occasionally.
• Articulate the obvious: Share your love and your confidence in them. Tell your children you’re excited – school is starting, they’re learning and meeting new friends. You will be their coach/cheerleader: you have standards for their academic performance, you expect regular homework completion, you don’t want to nag but you will be a consistent reminder of their goals. Most young people actually like parental involvement if they don’t feel judged. Connection will follow.
• Model empathy: New experiences create new encounters with people from different cultures. Even a new neighborhood or school is a new culture. Teach them the skill of honoring diversity.
• Empower them: Don’t take over assignments. Learning takes place when children do tasks, not when tasks are done for them.
One day your little ones will be adults. Respect them now as you will then. Be a parent, not a friend, but be a warm, honest, caring parent. I wish you all a very positive school year.
Peer educator responses: Tell your children you love them and know they will do the best they can. Support them by helping with assignments but don’t do the homework for them. Tell them you believe in them. It helps if the high school kid can pick classes she likes. It’s a lot easier to keep grades up when the material is interesting. Still, it’s necessary to do work you don’t like and get your homework done. It’s OK to remind them to do their homework, but don’t micromanage them. Let the school teachers teach.