It’s holiday party time
It’s that time of year when all the holiday parties are in full swing.
There is an abundance of alcohol around and lots of chances for people to say and do stupid stuff.
That’s why I’m here. I’m an expert on stupid stuff.
Recently, I went to a Christmas party and I didn’t hate anyone there. It was a very rare occurrence, like seeing a unicorn or a Sasquatch.
Every year when the parties start, I know I’m going to have an argument with someone.
Inevitably someone starts talking about a taboo subject, such as religion, politics or math.
Yes, math. It’s hard and it makes people uncomfortable. Equate in the privacy of your own home. No one wants to see you ciphering out in public.
I’ve gotten into some really stupid arguments in my life. It’s not that I’m always right, but when I am, other people need to shut it.
I remember one year I argued with a guy who insisted Rosalind Russell was in an episode of “Bewitched.” She was not. Yeah. I know. It wasn’t the most masculine argument I’ve ever had, but I had it, nonetheless. He kept saying, “I’m pretty sure she was.”
I had to go to IMDB to prove it to him. Then, he said, “Well, people miss stuff on that website all the time,” and “The Internet isn’t always right.”
Side note: Rosalind Russell made very few television appearances, though she was on the “Schlitz Playhouse of Stars.”
I only bring this up because it’s hilarious. Once upon a time, television shows were like stadiums. They had cars, motor oil and beers at the beginning of their names. Schlitz, for heaven’s sake!
But I digress, like I do. I have a few reindeer games planned this year. I want to take a shot every time someone says, “Trump,” “Caitlyn Jenner” or “Star Wars spoilers.” I’ll be drunk by 6:30. They’ll have to call an ambulance by 8.
I have a few tips for surviving Christmas.
I’m offering you this simple phrase: “That’s interesting.” You can usually turn a conversation after saying, “That’s interesting.”
Also, it’s completely meaningless. It doesn’t mean you agree or disagree, it’s simply interesting.
Also, please don’t have more than one glass of wine at the company Christmas party, and don’t hit the hard stuff.
If you get schnockered with your boss, you might not have a job by the new year. P.S. It’s OK if the big boss gets drunk. You also have to let him win if he ever invites you out for a round of golf (something else I learned from episodes of “Bewitched”).
At holiday parties, bring a friend and work out a signal when you want to leave.
By all means, pay attention to the signal! Or you’ll get this:
“I was pulling on my earlobe for 20 minutes. Thanks to you, I look like Dumbo.”
How many times have I heard that? OK. Just the once.
Above all, get out there and enjoy the holidays.