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Season’s greetings from Nazareth

4 min read

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and this year, more than ever – to quote the great 1934 Christmas tune “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” – ya better watch out.

That’s because, spurred on by what various pundits call “The War on Christmas,” several people I know are celebrating what I like to call “Violent Night.” They have taken to telling everyone they meet at this festive time of goodwill toward men: “It’s Christmas! Christmas! Ya hear me?” (Sound of Glock pistol being cocked.) “Now, what season is it, you Happy Holidays-spouting worthless scumbag freak?”

Hallmark, take note: There’s a market for a card that reads, “I will give up my Christmas only when you pry it from my cold, dead mittens.”

But some traditions remain unchanged. For example, have you received a Christmas newsletter yet? Back when Smith Corona and Remington were the most popular word processors, almost every family thought it cute to compose a letter listing all the significant events of the past year. Joey graduated from college; Fluffy died; we have a new house; Susie’s conviction was overturned. With the advent of Facebook, I suppose newsletters may no longer be necessary.

But long ago, think how excited the extended family of a certain couple in Nazareth must have been to receive the very first Christmas newsletter.

Hello all!

Well, it’s been almost a year since Jesus was born, and what a year it has been! If I’d known what I was getting into, I’d have told that angel he had the wrong house (haha). But seriously, we are happy to have the patter of little feet, and we appreciate the joys of parenthood. But like I said, what a year!

It started out with our having to sleep in a stable over in Bethlehem – and all because my schmoe of a husband (I kid! I kid!) forgot to reserve a room. (“Don’t worry,” he said, “I have connections there.” Sure he does.) Then there was the little matter of Mr. Financial Wiz forgetting his wallet and trying to pay with dried figs. I’m still picking straw out of my hair (haha).

Then, of course, we had to flee to Egypt to avoid Herod’s men, with me having packed only one outfit – and NOT one that looks good in the desert. Oy, what a trek! But we did get to see the Pyramids and the Sphinx (who looks like my mother-in-law!!!). Oh … you should have seen the faces of the tour guides when Joseph told them that those huge things were built by aliens. What a schlemiel he is! But a good father.

After the angel told Joseph the coast was clear back home, we schlepped our stuff back to Nazareth and settled in. Now we’ve been home for just about a year, and Joseph is up to his ears in the shop. He’s a wizard with wood – great with his hands in general, although his little “experiment” with making diapers out of fig leaves was a disaster, let me tell you. Adam and Eve had a better tailor, if you know what I mean. (haha)

Yet, after a hectic year, we’re thankful that Joseph is working, even if it costs an arm and maybe two legs to pay for your own health-care insurance. But it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

So we want to share the joy of the season with you – even though that scamp Jesus has knocked over the menorah more than once! We can’t wait till he’s old enough for medical school! (haha)

Happy Holidays!!!! (Don’t want to offend anyone.)

Mary, Joseph and Jesus

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